Asimilated yet Indian, continued....

A friend responded to my past posts about assimilation with this
"However, I think that in some ways it is important... bec one of the things that the kids will struggle with is definitely about how they fit in and knowing that they do somethings similar to their American classmates probably makes it is easier..... Who knows? I am just throwing this in the mix.... :))))

I was looking for a prayer that i could include b4 a meal...... We did one before school but not before a meal.... should look it up..."

This is the part that really becomes a huge dilemma. We want our kids to be assimilated, and not stick out like a sore thumb. But then if we just adopt the things that really were never part of our cultures, such as a prayer before a meal, then we won't be imparting a strong sense of identity either. I am sure, and rightly so, there are different schools of thought on this.

I, personally, feel that we should not adopt other traditions without giving some thought to why we are doing it and the long term impact of that decision. You know that old saying "nakal ke liye bhi akal chahiye". I take a lot of cues from the Jewish community. They have a much richer experience of being a minority, and yet maintaining their identity. For example, I noted that although Jewish holidays are not public holidays, most Jewish people don't come to work or school on those days. I like that idea so starting this year my family will take a holiday on Diwali. Kids will stay home from school and we will do something special together like making gulab jamuns and rangolis. I do buy sparklers and such on 4th of July and save them for Diwali. I also hang my "holiday lights" on Diwali and leave them on until after the New Year. This year instead of trying to squeeze all this in the evening after we are all tired form work and school, we will do it with more joy. Hopefully this will make Diwali more special in my kids' minds.

I so wish there was a big Hindu holiday during the so-called "Holiday season". That would make life so much more easier because I think one reason we embrace Christmas the way we do because there is a vacuum, and of course that jolly guy in the red suit that kids can't stay away from.

House cleaning

"If you want to see me. come on over. If you want to see my house, call ahead."

I read this somewhere on the internet and really liked it. I need to remember this because sometimes I can get the "Martha Stewart Syndrome".

A house with kids and parents, who'd rather do other things than clean, can get messy. I continually fret that I haven't taught my kids to pick up after themselves because I never have the patience to work with them on it. I can do it much faster and there is no yelling involved (except at hubby dear for not pitching in) so peace for all.

Now that the kids are getting older and bit more capable, I have started to ask them to pick up. Hopefully they will learn. Oh, I have occasional what my kids call "crazy days" where I grab a box and throw all their toys in and head out to the garage. Then they pick up in a hurry. I just wish I could do this more calmly rather than like the "crazy lady"!

The second best cleaning tip I have heard is "have someone else do it" and I usually do leave everything for the cleaning lady. I wish there was a similar service for picking up toys off the floor. sigh.

Food for thought

Kids amaze me. I wish I could get into their little brain computer and print out a detailed log of processes!

I made cheeseburgers and steamed broccoli for dinner yesterday and my kids were excited about it. They happily ate their dinner without me ever having to ask them to eat some more. We had pleasant conversation at the table, you know, how one expects dinnertime to be. Even more surprising is the fact that I haven't made cheeseburgers in months, so this is a relatively new food for my kids, who like all children frown at all new food!

For as long as I know I have made Indian food for dinner so logically one would expect that, Indian food is what my kids like and would eat regularly! After all that is what they see on their plates every single day. And yet my kids usually come to dinner with long faces when they see Indian food on the table. They are both under 7, mind you, and not yet at an age where they are hanging out at friends' and seeing what they eat. Then I make cheeseburgers and they are excited about dinner.

Somebody please give me a manual. This is beyond me!!!

Christmas

I want to add a little clarification on why I feel I should scale down our Christmas celebrations. Growing up in India as a part of majority community, having never felt a threat to your way of life, you start feeling a benevolent attitude towards other religions and traditions. You embrace them, even encourage them in all your secular glory which is what I did. Dynamics of being a minority culture are totally different, however. You are surrounded by Christmas, you can't escape it even if you don't celebrate it yourself. Your kids will be writing letters to Santa and wanting a tree, even if you never mention Christmas in your house. But Christmas is not a secular holiday like Halloween - there is a distinct religious aspect to it. When my kids got old enough to start asking about the birth of Christ and why we weren't going to the church to celebrate it I was at a loss. I am not religious, but I am still a Hindu. To this add the fact that your own holidays, that you took for granted are pretty much non-existent in your kids' minds and you have to go through huge effort to celebrate them, and you quickly realize that Diwali will lose out to Christmas in the US anyway, you do not need to aid in the process by celebrating Christmas.

Assimilated yet Indian? Part II

Continuing on this issue and hoping to help other Indian parents learn from my mistakes, here is a post on what I feel is another important aspect of helping your children understand and identify with their roots - traditions.

Have you noticed books such as "The New Family Traditions handbooks" in book stores? Books teaching people how to make up traditions. You must have heard many Americans talk about their family traditions for Thanksgiving or Christmas. All this is because traditions or rituals are very important in keeping us connected and grounded. Often people make up traditions because they have long lost connection with their roots. Any parenting book will tell you that children thrive on routine. They like to know what to to expect, what happens next. This is where traditions fit in. Not only do they help kids understand what to expect, say, at mealtime or on a holiday, but they also often add a "ritual" to a daily mundane task such as mealtime. Traditions also help provide a sense of belonging in the family or heritage. My children taught me the importance of traditions by begging me for them. When my daughter declared that she wanted us to say grace at dinnertime I knew I better establish some traditions of our own soon!

Being Indian we don't need to make traditions up - we already have tons of stuff to choose from. So pick a few and stick to them. Regularity is important so do stuff that you like, think is important and enjoy. Over time I have started adding a few traditions to our life, mostly picking from things that I treasured as a child and my kids seem to like it. Here I will talk about a few things I do. I am a North Indian and hence the focus on Diwali and Holi.

As a child I loved to memorize poems and since it is a good mental exercise (God knows I need it!), I set myself the task of memorizing the Hanuman Chalisa. I have always liked the rhythm in Tulsidas's writing and I thought I already knew part of it, so it was a fairly low fruit to pick. After I tuck my kids in bed and turn off the lights, I sing them verses of Hanuman Chalisa. The plan was to add a verse a week, but I don't seem to get past verse 23, pathetic I know, but singing of Hanuman Chalisa at bedtime has become a tradition, even more so when I told my kids about the presumed power of Hanuman Chalisa in chasing away ghosts and monsters! I swear, I can use all the help I can get against those fiends under the bed. It helps that Hanuman is supposed to be the protective deity of my clan, and kids love stories about Hanuman - the original superhero, so I have a platform to build upon.

It is sad that my kids find Christmas much more interesting than any Indian holiday. I got all caught up in the Christmas fever during my early years in the US, so I haven't helped the matter much because we do put up a tree, hang stockings and kids get tons of presents. Of course, there is all the marketing around the time so it is pretty hard not to get caught up. I feel I shouldn't have gone so overboard with it earlier because if I try to scale it down now it will border on cruelty towards my children! My only other option was to add some more interest to Diwali. I refuse to corrupt Diwali with addition of presents but I do make sure that kids get and wear new clothes for Diwali. I take the day off on Diwali and keep kids home from school as well. I buy sparklers etc. during 4th of July and save them for Diwali. We also make Gulab Jamuns and rangoli together. I usually host a party with other Indian friends on a weekend right after Diwali, and do make an effort to decorate the house with candles and lights (that I leave on until after new year). If you have some friends or family close by, then you can formalize this a bit more. You could make a pact to get together on every Diwali, but rotate houses every year. The dinner can be potluck so no one person is stuck with all the work.

I do something for Holi as well. Definitely gulal and new clothes, and sometimes a party. Both I and my husband have lived in Gujarat so we try to make it to at least one night of dandiya during Navratri. I and my girls send rakhis to our male cousins, and I do make sure the girls are involved in the process and it is not just me sending rakhi off on their behalf. I even fast without water on Karvachauth, something many of my feminist friends frown upon. I view this as the holiday that celebrates family. When I was a child my family never had more focus and cooperation, than on Karvachauth where our sole goal was to keep my mother comfortable and sight the moon as early as we could. In my mind this has always been an important holiday.

I am also a big fan of some basic Indian values such a respecting elders. I have always touched feet when greeting my elders. I continue to do that and teach my kids this as well. I never say anything bad about our family elders in front of my children, and do all my bitching in private. I always cover my head on the rare occasion I go to a temple or pray to a deity, and teach my kids to do this as well. If they participate in a puja, I teach them the right way to sit, apply tikka, accept prasad and do not allow them to be insolent and ignore these basic rituals just because they are children.

I am still looking for some daily or weekly ritual to add to the mix, but need to find something that agrees with my spiritual beliefs otherwise I won't be able to keep it up.

Assimilated yet Indian?

A friend recently asked me this
"I wanted to ask you whether/how you deal with raising Indian children in America? I find myself constantly wondering which parts of my Indian culture I should work hard to expose my child to and which ones I can let go. It is hard especially because I find that I do not cleanly subscribe to any one group.... not orthodox, not extraordinarily religious, not vegetarian, not this, not that..... etc... etc....."

She has very succinctly described the dilemma most of us so called "modern Indian" English speaking professionally employed parents face in this country. Those who were never quite religious or traditional in their youth, and assimilated easily into the American society when single. Then our children came along and we suddenly realized that what a loss it would be for our children if they did not understand or respect their heritage. The question comes back to balance - how do we raise children who feel part of the society we live in, and yet are proud and aware of their roots? I wouldn't say I have done a very good job in this direction, but I have definitely learned from the mistakes I have made with my children. As with most parenting issues much wisdom is gained in hindsight.

This issue is too multi-faceted to be dealt with in one post. Here I will focus on what I believe is the most important thing, and one that must be worked upon right from infancy - Language.

Because we are fluent in our native tongue, we forget how intricately our culture and tradition is tied to our language. Our native tongue is the most important connection to our culture that our children can have and by teaching them our native language we maintain that link.

Imagine a typical scene when visiting our extended families - aunts, uncles and cousins, sitting together laughing, joking, teasing, bitching, gossiping. With my family most of it happens in Hindi. A child who doesn't understand Hindi would feel like an alien in this atmosphere. If they understand they will know what is going on, if they speak they can participate and feel like a part of the family. Nobody ever sat us down and gave us a lesson on culture and tradition. What we learned was picked up along the way during family gatherings and celebrations. Family is, after all, the foremost link to tradition and culture. If our children are fluent in our native language, they can communicate with grandparents and other family members. Some of my family who understand English, still find it hard to understand the American-accented-double-speed English that my children speak. If my children could not speak Hindi, their grandparents would soon become alien to them and they will lose a strong link to their heritage.

Not knowing our native tongue also deprives our children of the vocabulary to understand many traditions. How would you express the difference between "tilak, teeka and bindi", for instance, in English? Yet, each of these methods of marking the forehead are part of a unique ritual, and used in different circumstances. The word "saawan" evokes images of beauty, greenery and festivities. And yet tranlated into "rainy season", it means something quite the opposite. There are many such sayings, phrases, ways of describing things that are unique to our native tongues that simply cannot be translated. This subtlety is lost with the loss of the native language.

Language also happens to be one thing that, if not taught early, is easily lost and hard to teach again. The softer sounds are also hard to learn as one gets older. Hence, the first thing we can do, right from birth, is to make sure that our children are exposed to their native language. We all know that teaching multiple languages to a child helps a great deal with brain development. Many parents buy videos and such to expose their kids to a second language from early childhood. We don't have to, we already have the skill.

Can this be done? Absolutely. I know because I tried, succeeded only partially and know where I failed. I have seen American-born children of German parents speak fluent German. I believe the only way to teach your child your native language is to speak that language with the child exclusively. I cannot stress this enough - exclusively. A French speaker doesn't shy away from speaking French with her child in public. Why should you be embarrassed about Hindi or Telugu? English, your children will pick up in no time once they start daycare. If you are concerned let one parent speak English, but one parent must stick exclusively to the native tongue right from birth. Did I say exclusively!? When you teach them names of animals, or things do so in your native tongue. This takes some extra effort because English comes too damn naturally to us and we slip into it without realizing. Children, like all humans, are lazy. The instant they realize that English works with mom, they will stop speaking Hindi. And you can't make them speak in your native language. If you force them there will be no joy in the process. It is you who has to make the effort.

I spoke Hindi exclusively with my first child and she was speaking fluent Hindi at age two. Then I faltered somewhere after my second one was born. It is still not a total loss. My older one doesn't speak Hindi at home but she does speak fluently with grandparents. The younger one, however, doesn't speak Hindi very well but when she sees her sister relating with grandparents, she tries, and she is getting better. She does understand it quite well. I switched back to speaking with the kids in Hindi a couple of years ago. My feeling is that if I had stuck with the program, both my kids would be fluent speakers. Whenever my children visit with extended family, I insist that the family members speak in Hindi with my children. On our extended visits to India the kids get a lot of practice and slip back into Hindi within a few days.

That is my take on this. Language is of foremost importance. I will come to traditions, festivities etc in another post.

What makes a perfect parent?

I haven't posted in a while, I know. First I was in India and that trip got extended because my dad got sick. Then I myself ended up with Shingles - something I wouldn't even wish on my enemy. I am finally sort of back to normal and my schedule falling into place.

I came across this article titled "What make a perfect parent" via a friend's blog. Needless to say given how much I fret over parenting decisions, the article really appealed to me. I have read Freakonomics, the book mentioned in the article, so most of the information in the article wasn't new.

The statement that I found the most insightful was a quote in the article from Dr Gordon Livingston that goes thus
"Our primary task as parents, beyond attending to the day-to-day physical and emotional welfare of our children is to convey to them a sense of the world as an imperfect place in which it is possible nevertheless to be happy."

Having analyzed many parenting strategies and ideas to the point that I feel I can no longer read any more books about how to raise children, I have come to the conclusion that besides things that Levitt lists in Freakonomics (genes, educated parents, etc.) there are only two other things we parents can do to raise well-balanced individuals.

One is to stop sweating the small stuff and make time to share moments of joy as a family. This is something I reckon I forgot a long time ago and am glad to be reminded of again. While fretting about day to day schedules, making sure kids eat right, go to bed on time, wear clean clothes and live in a clean house I forgot completely about being happy. I hate the quote "a happy mother makes a happy child" because I have seen many mothers use that as an excuse to do things that are definitely not for the best of the child. Does it really matter in the long run if our clean laundry is sitting in a basket or in a drawer? But it really seems to matter to my kids that the entire family walks to school everyday.

Second is showing your kids you truly love them and delight in their presence and company, even when they are misbehaving. This is something I learned from the book "Hold on to your child" by Dr. Gordon Neufeld. Bonding, you know. It doesn't happen automatically and often gets lost in the craziness of daily life. I have made a deliberate effort in this direction in the past few months because I am embarrassed to admit that I had forgotten this as well. I have seen a distinct improvement in behavior, eating and sleeping patterns of my children. Much better results than those I was getting through any kind of discipline or sleeping-through-the-night strategy, and in a much more pleasant way for all involved. This despite the fact that I am now very inconsistent with my discipline strategies.

I have seen many parents, including mine, use all kinds of parenting strategies, and I can't say which strategy works consistently. What does stay consistent is that most successful parents seem to share a bond with their child and seem to be at peace with their own lives.

Changing times

I was watching a hindi movie this weekend where the hero and heroine, depicted as Indians living in the US, got married with an "I do" and exchange of rings, and the bride wore white. Needless to say I was shocked. I never imagined that the rituals and traditions of marriage will ever change, esp in the case where two Hindus were involved. Of course, movies are not reality but I think they do sometimes depict the aspirations of people that make them. Most Indian movies nowadays have a guy proposing to a girl on his knees with the invariable diamond ring in his hands, and people praying in churches with candles, instead of temples with oil lamps. This is a relatively new phenomenon. India is getting modernized, and somewhat homogenized by the global corporate culture and also by exposure to western TV shows etc. I can understand the changes in diet, the proliferation of starbucks-type coffee shops. However, I never expected a change in the religious rituals. Doesn't faith go deeper than that! I am waiting for a real celebrity wedding in India that will happen in the western "I do" style and I am convinced it will happen. I even have a celebrity picked out who I think will wear white for her wedding.

I read somewhere that the values of an immigrant get stuck in the era he left his country, while his country keeps evolving. As a result most immigrants tend to be much more conservative than their compatriots who stayed in the native country. This seems to make sense. This is probably why I cannot stomach an Indian wedding culminating with "you may now kiss the bride". I had been living in fear that my daughters, who will grow up watching American movies will always equate wedding with a white dress and saying of vows, as opposed to a red dress and circles around a fire. From the look of it, that era has passed and I am apparently stuck in old times.

Spirituality

I have struggled with my own faith and spirituality for a long time. In a way I am an atheist, in that I do not believe in an external all powerful God who sits in judgment upon us. And yet there is a deep need for spirituality in me, a desire to connect with something supreme or divine that I cannot explain. I consider myself a Hindu and have immense respect for yogic philosophies. I have gone through life flip-flopping in limbo, not knowing where I quite stand. Never feeling I could sit and pray to an idol of Krishna but unable to completely renounce the Gods.

So it must be divine intervention that my friend D handed me two book last month - The Secret and Eat Pray Love saying "you might like these". I don't think she has any ideas of my struggles but after reading these books everything is clear to me. I finally know where I stand with my spirituality and beliefs. My scientific and spiritual sides are finally in harmony. The irony is not lost on me that what happened here is exactly what the book The Secret said - if you want something and focus on it, the universe will shift itself to get it to you.

Thank you D.

ps: The Secret

By the way, I think a better title for this book will be "Religion for atheists: How to pray and offer gratitude without invoking God's name".

We are human. We want something or the other in life and so it is given that there will be people who will try to teach us how to get what we want. As I see it, there are two aspects of this. One is learning how to get what you want that this type of books try to teach you. However, the second and more important is knowing what it is that you really want from life. To sit down and think, and go the depths of your soul. Face yourself, your inadequacies and fears. Then ask. But that doesn't sell books or consumer goods off the shelves of super stores, does it?

Book Review - The Secret

I read the book because I have heard about it, and a friend kindly loaned it to me, because I don't buy books that I don't intend to keep forever. It gets mentioned in many places and I do try to stay up-to-date with some of the pop-culture just so that I know what everybody is talking about. If you haven't heard, it is a self-help book that declares that "The Secret" is a law of attraction that successful people have known since ages and the author is bringing it to the commoners. And what is the big secret, this immutable law of the universe - Like attracts like. Hence you will get what you think about, because your thoughts will attract it to you. You have to think positive, think about what you want from life, and not what you don't want, and really believe that the universe is abundant enough to give you whatever it is that you want, and you will get it.

I am intrigued, amused, shocked and a little bit angered by the book. I buy the whole "think positive" idea. I completely agree that how your life, your day and your relationships turn out depends a little on luck and a lot on attitude. There is no denying it. But don't go using physics to explain this, especially if you have never studied physics in school, as the author claims, because it makes what you say ridiculous right there. The basic law of physics is that likes repel, not attract. Little kids do the experiment in preschool, with two magnets. If you are selling philosophy, just sell philosophy. Don't go bringing science into it.

Secondly, the book could have been named "Aham Brahma" (I am Brahma), the chant from Hindu scriptures. That is what the book is talking about. You should see yourself, and everything else in the universe, not as a physical entity, but a mass of energy (or spirit, or soul, or Brahma, or God for that matter, or whatever you want to name it) that is connected to the rest of the energy of the universe. Principal of conversation of energy says that the amount of energy in the universe never changes, it is only converted from one form to another, and The Bhagvad Gita states that "nobody ever dies". By controlling your energy, you in effect, control the universe. The Upanishad, ancient Hindu texts, say exactly that. The practices of various kinds of yoga are specifically designed to control the energy within you. It angers me that Hindu teachings are thus exploited, without giving credit where credit is due. The Hindu philosophy also states that once you connect with the "Brahma", that is you stop seeing yourself as a physical entity separate from the rest of the universe, you will attain great peace because you have freed yourself from material needs and desires. Nirvana! Hence, I find it immensely amusing that "The Secret" tells you to do all this so that you can have the fancy houses and cars that you always wanted! Yeah baby! Consume.....

Immigration debate

There is a debate, supposedly on illegal immigration in the US. With the recent rash of presidential candidate debates, the issue has come up again and again.

I do think the problem everybody really wants to address is the wave of illegal immigrants from Mexico. The growing number of Hispanics is what is bothering everyone, but nobody will state that openly. That would, of course, be xenophobia and the xenophobes will not admit to that. So they talk in expansive terms and it invariably, and quite clearly sounds like that these people are talking about all non-European immigrants - legal or not, educated or uneducated. The 9/11 terrorists were legal immigrants, and so are many doctors and engineers in this country. Unfortunately, the people who seem to be on the side of illegal Hispanic immigrants get caught up in that debate as well and start talking about their grandfather who came from Scotland a century ago and how immigrants have enriched this country. That is completely irrelevant in this context and only serves to derail the real issue.

Yes, there is a problem and it needs to be addressed, but first you have to clearly state the problem. Any scientist will tell you, defining the problem clearly is the first step towards a solution.

Laptops in School

I just read this artcile in NY Times and I would be laughing hard, if it wasn't so sad. Who ever thought that giving students laptops will enhance their academic performance? And why are they now flabbergasted that the laptops are more of a distraction than help? How could they not see that the idea was ridiculous to begin with? Do the decision-makers even realize that the high-tech jobs are going to people educated in developing countries like India, who probably had very limited access to computers even while pursuing degrees in computer science and engineering, and they are doing great, aren't they? Abroad and here. I am sure even a Psychology major in a typical US college things she cannot function without a personal computer.

Education, success and acquisition of knowledge has nothing to do with technology. It has everything to with hunger, motivation, and a passion for learning. No amount of high-tech gadgetry can teach attitude. What is sad is, this is so obvious. It is common sense and yet school administrations had to spend millions to learn this. So the question is what kind of people are running our schools and making crucial decisions such as diverting funding from Art programs to individual laptops? The same people who think that children shouldn't be taught calculus as it is never used in "real life". Yeah, you probably don't need it if your real life is making dumb decisions about running schools! If you have money to burn, raise teacher salaries. As I said, I would laugh if it hadn't been such a humongous waste.

Over-parenting

I recently came across this article by Katie Allison Granju and not only enjoyed reading it but agree with it as well.

She quotes Jackie Kennedy as saying "If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do matters very much." I agree with that as well, but also know that overdoing and obsessing over every little detail of child rearing doesn't equate to good parenting. In this culture, that is overrun by parenting experts, of which Granju is one too, it is very easy to get overwrought by all the advice and worry about every little detail. Not to mention the competition with other parents, where we can feel good about our parenting, only when we get to put down somebody else's style. Yes, this competition has always been there, but now we have the muscle of the marketing and consumer industry behind it.

Granju wrote this article, partly to promote her book on the same topic, which brings me to my pet-peeve. Did you have to write a whole book about it? The article is enough. It is just like this other parenting book I am currently reading "Hold on to your kids" by Gordon Neufeld. The book has a good point, but all it needed was about 20 pages. I am through three quarters of the book, often skipping entire chapters at a time, and he is still defining the problem! Geeze. You had me at hello and are going to lose me soon if you don't come to the point already.

Dr. Neufeld's point is that the most important thing you need as a parent, the thing that gives you natural authority, makes the child want to be good for you, is the child's attachment to you. This attachment cannot be taken for granted, and must be nurtured and developed, esp in the modern society where everybody is so busy and we don't spend as much time with our children. As they grow, you have to make sure that your only interaction with your kids isn't you asking them to do or not do something. You have to take the time to enjoy being with them, just to hang out and show them how much they matter to you. When they are misbehaving, you shouldn't push them away, send them to time-out or try to teach them anything. Show them that you still love them and do what you need to get through the situation quickly. Work on a solution later, when everyone is calm. Some ideas are similar to what "Love and Logic" says - if you don't have the love, you can't enforce the logic. But of course, this man needs to sell his own formula so he denigrates all others and takes a few chapters doing it. Sigh.

His second point is that every child needs to orient themselves to somebody, like a compass needle. If the parent isn't available as the orientation point, then the kids orient themselves to their peers, which automatically results in turning away from the parents, leading to ill-behaved children who don't respect their parents and want to spend all their time with their friends. Since peers aren't mature or provide unconditional love, the children get bereft, do all kinds of wrong things to fit in and take rejection from the peer group very hard. The compass needle can only point in one direction at a time, so if you think your child is pushing you away and her friends matter more to her, you have to reorient the child's compass back towards yourself. He claims he has solutions for this and maybe I will reach that chapter one day.

Review of Operating Instructions

I finished the book, in under ten days! I can't believe it. With life the way it is, it usually takes me weeks, even months for one book. I have started reading her 'Bird by Bird' and am enjoying it as well.

The book flowed like water. We also know that water cut the Grand Canyon. It was so easy to read and still so profound. I can completely relate to the colic, of having love for your child and yet wanting to do something very bad, and feeling horrible for having those feelings. I could also relate to the "Please let Sam outlive me" chain of thought. I have it often, and it always makes me cry.

I really enjoyed her sense of humor. I have been through similar moments with my babies, and I wish I had read the book then so I could enjoy them through her lens. A lot of specifics escape me now, and there is this little orange glow inside my head where the book is stored.

I am amazed how "confessional" (in her own words) she is. She admits to stuff about herself and others that I never would. She talks about having this worm inside that needs to be fed. I have known that worm too. I also felt very jealous of her "tribe", people she could lean so completely on, for help and support. I would like a tribe, but what little I have is scattered all over the globe.

One thing I couldn't relate to was her relationship with God. It doesn't bother me that she has faith, but because I don't, at least not the kind she has, I couldn't relate to the moments when she describes feeling the presence of God.

How many children - more

Now that I have finally made peace with this and a decision, and have moved on to pondering other matters such as the best all-purpose cleaner, the question of number of children has decided to follow me around like a little puppy. Won't leave me alone.

I just talked to my sister who informs me that she has decided to have no more children. The reason being "One is enough, we can give her everything without compromise and can't imagine starting all over."

Alright. Deep breaths. Everyone has a right to their opinion & I should respect it. I have bossed over her all her life, enough now. Her life, her body, her ...aargh! But I also have the right to be shocked and demand a better explanation than that. Damn it! I am the big sister - not just hers but in the entire generation! "Give the only child everything" - we aren't exactly talking of people here who don't know where the next paycheck is coming from. These are people who can afford to own apartments & cars in not one but two countries. Did I mention she is younger than me, by many years, and the first child is all of 4 years old? Oh, and she has a maid and her MIL, whom she gets along with quite nicely, lives with her and is happy to supervise the "staff" so it's not like my sister has to give up her job. I would think they can provide and care for their own, and few of mine and still have left over to give whatever it is they want to give their first child.

In truth, I am venting here because I didn't on the phone. I didn't say any of this to her. Only suggested that she might want to reconsider before it is truly too late to have more children. I begged a little on her first child's behalf. No more.

Anne Lamott and reading

It seems to me that every one of my American friends have mentioned Anne Lamott at least once to me. Her name invariably comes up in conversations about writing or books or parenting. I finally decided that I might as well read something by her, and have checked out the first book I came across in the library. I have only read a few pages, and I am already enjoying her sense of humor. I will keep going.

With kids, job, housework and all the other trappings of life, it often takes me at least a month, if not more, to finish a book. I am still glad that I find a few moments every day to read. I so enjoy it.

Road trip update

We are back from our road trip and it went fine. In the end we were glad that we did not go for the DVD player. The kids read a lot in the car and worked on some activity books. I also heard, "I am bored" a few times but then they would figure something out to keep themselves busy.

We made the onward journey almost non-stop because my younger one napped for two hours. It was easy to keep the older one busy - she read by herself for a bit, then I read to her. She also listened to some story tapes on her Walkman and looked at an "I spy" book. On the return journey there was a time that I was too tired to engage the kids and they were getting crazy back there. We ended up stopping and playing a few games of tag. Things improved after that.

Resolving dilemmas

I recently read an article that has really taken root in my mind over time. I was flipping through a magazine in a waiting room and didn't think much of it at that time. I wish I could remember where I read it or who wrote it, so I could give credit where credit is due.

The author said that when faced with a tricky decision, her approach is to take 10 seconds to think what the impact of her decision will be in the next 10 minutes, 10 months and 10 years, and the decision doesn't seem that complicated anymore. She called it her 10-10-10 rule.

I really like this 10-10-10 rule. It really helps to take my mind off short-term, and focus on long haul, and also makes short-term hardship that I have to endure for a long-term joy seem not so bad.

For example, I was wondering whether to let my girls share a room or let them have separate rooms. There are enough rooms in the house so I could go either way. The girls are still young, one is an excellent sleeper and the other not. When they are together, they can keep each other awake much longer and I have two very tired cranky children in the morning. It makes more sense to keep them in separate rooms for immediate relief. However, in the long-term sharing a room will teach them important skills in adjustment and compromise. I try not to inculcate "princess syndrome" in my girls - you know that they have to have things a certain way or they can't be comfortable. I'd prefer them to be easy going and make the best of circumstances. I also feel that sharing a room will make them closer in the long-term. Applying the 10-10-10 rule, makes the decision easy. For the next 10 months, things might be tough but much better in next 10 years. So they are sharing a room, and bedtime is crazy most days. sigh.

How many children - part 2

I believe that if a woman is going to have one child then she should, if she can, have at least one more. Multiple children in a family liberate both the mother and the children themselves. Of course, there are many reasons a woman can't have more children and then that is that, and so is life.

If you have a child you know the pressure that comes with it; you feel that you are shaping a life and how the child turns out is completely up to you. It is a roller coaster ride of guilt and congratulations - a heavy burden to go through life with. It was not until I had a second child that I realized that how a child behaves depends so much on the innate nature of the child. There is this other child, living under the same circumstances and rules, and behaving differently. I wasn't messing up my first child, after all! That made me less of an egotist - how the child turns out, good or bad, wasn't entirely my doing. I am not that important! I realized it wasn't so much nature vs. nature but rather that I had to nurture the nature. And that liberated me, I could relax a little and not blame myself for everything.

Looking from the child's perspective, they do not have to bear the entire brunt of the parents' expectations if there are other siblings. And once the parents are old, they don't have to shoulder the entire responsibility either. When my dad had a heart attack, I knew that there were two other people in the world who felt exactly as I did at the moment, whom I could call in the middle of the night and talk to. And because one of my siblings lives much closer to my parents, I didn't have to drop everything and run half way across the world. I could relax in the thought that the needful will be done. This was again a liberating experience for me, as a child.

So there, that is my theory!

24/7 entertainment

We are about to embark on a road trip - 4 hours drive each way. The invariable first thought is how to keep the children entertained on this long drive. A portable DVD player would be nice. Should I go out and buy a few new toys and books, for a secret stash that I can pull out when somebody starts to get bored?

Or should I completely disown the responsibility of entertaining my children? That is a thought. As a child, we used to take these three day long train rides every year with nothing more than a few books and board games. I used be entertained by watching out the window and seeing how the terrain across the country changed from state to state. We would make new friends in the train and learn new card games. At the end of that journey we would spend a month at my grandma's village with no electricity, toys or games. When I think of happiness, those are the times that come to my mind first. The times where endless summer days stretched in front of me without any planned entertainment or anything to do. I didn't learn horseback riding or ballet, but I did discover the simple pleasure of lying under a mango tree listening to a cuckoo.

These are the simple pleasures that I still long for - to have days where I do nothing more than lie under a tree and read a book. I want my children to find watching scenery out of a window entertainment enough, to be able to daydream, to not need 24/7 multi-media entertainment. This is one reason I have stubbornly refused to buy a DVD player for the car or portable video games. And the sole reason I would like to skip going for vacations to Hawaii and Europe, and save the money to buy a small cottage in the hills that we could visit on weekends and live during summer vacations. Dil dhoondtä hai, phir vahi, fürsat kè räät din as Gulzar would say.

But long drives always test my will. Little kids, when bored, can drive you nuts, especially when they start picking on their siblings for entertainment and I start wishing I had gotten that Gameboy after all.

NY Times article on co-sleeping

I just read this article in New York Times and was quite shocked at the tone of voice and choice of words. First let me confess that our household is quite similar to those described in the article - in terms of how they sleep, not in terms of all the fancy kids' furniture and sleep-therapists they can afford. However, unlike the families described, or the author herself, I do not think that kids sleeping in our bed is "gross". In fact, I want to laugh loudly at the statement that co-sleeping is inching into the mainstream. Puhleeeze - kids have been sleeping with their parents (except for maybe those of European royalty) all over the world since time immemorial. It is making kids sleep alone that inched into the mainstream in recent past. Has anyone stopped and thought that if parents are having so much trouble getting kids to sleep alone in their rooms, and need to employ sleep-therapists no less, maybe kids sleeping alone is what is 'abnormal'? The adults in the house get to sleep with somebody and little kids have to sleep alone, sometimes on a whole different floor of the house!? If you have to go to all these lengths to create a bear that talks like the mother, and smells like the mother, then isn't the child telling you that he'd rather be next to his "real" mother?

Here is my favorite quote from the article
"It’s commonly believed in the mental health field that it’s important the children learn to sleep on their own. Not doing it often generalizes to other problems, because it’s about a fairly important way that parents say no to their child.”

Bravo! Because I let kids sleep in my bed when they feel like it, I have been instantly labeled a bad and indulgent parent who is unable to set boundaries. Oh and also I must have intimacy issues in my marriage. My kids are not allowed to bully, call people names or kick the seat in front of them in an airplane, but I don't think a child seeking comfort with a parent is doing anything wrong at all. By letting my children know that I am there for them, I am harming their mental health forever! Wow! You gotta love these modern experts. They have so wonderfully positioned themselves over a mother's instincts and are all the more richer for it. This modern world is crazy - we need nutritional experts to tell us what to eat and parental experts to tell us how to raise our children, something that is so natural to our very being that even a bird can do it! The most intelligent life-form on the planet, however, needs an army of experts.

What I really want to say, once I have taken a few deep breaths, is that this should not even be an issue. People are different - parents and kids alike. Although experts who have copyrighted parenting methods would very much like us to think so, there really is no one right way to parent. We do what works for us and agrees with our values, and others do the same. Live and let live, and let us do our parenting in peace without assigning a subliminal pathological explanation to everything.

Choosing a school

I have one child entering kindergarten this fall, and I was talking with another mom about the options. Her child is in the same preschool as mine, and will be starting Kindergarten in fall as well so I was really eager to hear her point of view. She told me that she has decided on elementary school 'A'.

Somebody who has already made a decision - Oh, I want to know more on what factors she considered as it will help my wavering mind. Our neighborhood has a school too - school 'B' and I hear it is quite good as well. So I felt compelled to respond "Why did you choose 'B' over 'A'? I hear 'A' is good too, and we can just walk the kids there instead of driving."

"Yes I looked at 'B'. But 'A' is a newer school. It was built just two years ago." She replied.

I patiently waited for her to finish her reasoning, hoping to hear more - something about teachers, principal, PTO. But that was her whole criterion - the newness of the school!

A few days later I was talking to my Realtor about another area that we are considering living in. He tells me there are two good schools in that area, but I should focus on the east of such-and-such road, because then my kids can go to the newer school.

Huh? That is how we are deciding which school is better nowadays? And I though that the quality of a school depended upon the leadership of the principal, the quality of the teachers and the involvement of the parents! Of course, you wouldn't want to be in a school where the roof leaks, or the play-structures are falling apart but this whole area is so new that even the "older" schools are no more than 10-15 years old and the facilities are in excellent condition. I mean, Harvard is pretty ancient by these standards, but I hear it is a pretty good school. No?

Westernization or modernization

A friend commented on the last post "I especially felt for you being Indian and India becoming too Westernized. There's a lot of crap we import to the rest of the world and they love it. On the other hand, who understands entrepreneurship and business creation better than the US? It's the one thing that's really in our DNA to offer the rest of the world"

I would call it "modernization" rather than westernization. It was long overdue in India. I am definitely not hankering for the days of the closed economy. It is really wonderful to see the opening up of the marketplace, the wealth of opportunity it brings and the resulting affluence.

The west went through modernization first, they made a lot of mistakes and the results are evident for everyone to see. I feel it is completely unnecessary for newly modernized countries to make the same mistakes. We can just look over and see what decisions turned out for the worst, or what could have been done better. For that one needs leadership that is sorely lacking in the government. The legal system and government in India needs modernization too, to keep up with the times. There is hardly any consumer protection. Do children must go through abuses in childcare centers and be burned down in building made poorly, must people be poisoned by pesticides and other pollutants in drinking water before laws to protect consumers are enacted?

Parenting - here and there

I was bemoaning to a friend that I have seriously considered moving back to India because my children are losing touch with their roots, and how I wish had the support of my family and this was his response

"Definitely raising kids in the US is very challenging and hard work. At the same time, when my wife and I moved back to India for a couple of years, what we saw in a city like Bangalore made us re-think our decision. Things have changed so much in a city like Bangalore; everyone works like crazy. Most of the IT people don't seem to worry about spending time with kids. Everybody wants to make an IT career which was surprising and shocking! And lots of people don't even want to have kids because that would disrupt their careers!! I really felt that the value system was much better and intact in the US. Everything finally is a how you personally experience it but in general, Indian cities have moved ahead so fast and in some cases changed for the worse. What I was trying to get was the fact that when we were kids, the environment was different in India as compared to recent years and sometimes I feel bringing up kids in the US is much better. We are able to teach them good values and may be a little more of the Indian culture than they would learn when they are in India! "

There is a lot of depth here, and a few different issues that have been on my mind, as well. I will address the issue of parental commitment here, and leave the question of values for another post.

I left India before the boom, and never went back to live there. I have a distorted image of the place - the good old days, you know. Yet when I think about it, I too, am glad that I have raised my children in the US, especially during their early years.

Some, esp people in India, might find it surprising that in the US, the concept of family is very strong. Parents, at least the professionally educated ones that I usually come in contact with, take their job as a parent very seriously and strive to achieve a balance between life and work. They give serious thought to what their parenting approach will be, educate themselves about various ideas and discipline techniques and follow through. Yes, the focus is on raising independent kids and once children reach college-age they are expected to be independent, but in the sense of a bird finding its wing and leaving its nest, not in the sense of being cast-off as is the impression outside the US. In essence, most parents apply the skills needed for success in a corporate career, to the task of parenting. They are pro-active, keep long-term success in mind, educate themselves and take action.

On the other hand, most parenting I witnessed in India, and I am again talking about professionally educated parents, is passive parenting - they have excellent management skills in their career but often do not apply them at home. They often react to their children's behavior instead of shaping it. Moreover, In India, the pressure to keep up with the Joneses, is much more intense. The competition in the workplace is fierce. To keep up one has to work horrendous hours. The lack of good quality child care, and recurring problem with basic necessities such as water and electricity, make life more complicated. Working mothers have no choice but to leave their children in the care of uneducated servants. Children watch too much TV and are prime targets for advertisers, and end up seeing things like Indian pop music videos bordering on pornography, that are used as fillers between "family" soap operas popular with grandmas who are often in-charge of kids during the day.

In the US, I got to see a different approach to parenting. I am gainfully employed yet with very few stresses on my time, giving me the opportunity to focus on my children. And because we can easily afford the basic luxuries of life in one income such as cars and a house. I do not have the pressure to make more money so my life can compare to others. You have to experience it to appreciate the kind of freedom this gives you. Life of a mother, who has another job is not easy, no matter where she lives, but I do think it is easier in the US given the efficiencies in life here and the availability of high quality child care.

Lot of things have come a full circle in the west - we now are very aware of how corporations such a McDonald's have not only changed people's diets for the worse but changed the very ecosystem of the land. It is sad to see a whole generation of children in India getting hooked on McDonald's. The west already fell for that, and the damage caused is in plain view. Why can't India just learn from this and avoid taking the paths that have already proven to lead to no good. After years of deprivation, and isolation, who has the time to pause and think?

How many children?

Growing up in India, my neighbor had four daughters. It was obvious that they were the results of failed attempts to have a boy, and I thought it pretty backward of them. This is not what educated people did. This thinking was firmly planted in the heads of young minds, and correctly so, by a huge Government campaign to control the population. "Hum do. Humare do" went the slogan - "we two, our two." Encouraging people to stop after two children. It was a very sensible campaign, focused on educating people rather than doing this by force, as in China. It was also immensely successful if you measure it by the fact that it changed the minds of almost all educated individuals and having two children became the norm.

Now I live in the US, the land of liberty and plentiful resources where no norms apply, and have two children as a good Indian should. I am also very far away from all my close family. Even those that are not on the other side of the globe, are so busy in this modern life that we cannot meet them on a regular basis and for extended periods, as we did with our cousins when growing up. The result is that my children have no close family. When I imagine the distant future, after I and my husband are gone, my girls look very lonely in this huge world. All they will have at weddings & other celebrations is each other. I have known the joy of having a large extended family. You really have to experience it, and then be completely isolated from it, to realize its value. As I see it to be a good parent I have to provide for my daughters' future. Not only do I have to secure their financial future by investing, but I must also provide the emotional security of a large family. I can't really rely on cousins, aunts and uncles for that because who has the time in this hectic life to bond with cousins? Hence in these modern era, I have to take a huge step backward and embrace the Gandhian principle of self-reliance - create the large family on my own by having more children!

OK, so we have decided that there must be more but how many more? My two children are very close in age, and hence very close to each other. They play together constantly. Even if I were to conceive today there will be a six year gap between the baby and the youngest child. The girls will love the new baby, but I doubt they will ever have the patience to play with her. seeing the girls together now, and how amazing it is to have a playmate your age, it'd be pretty see a lonely kid in the house. This means I must have two more babies, and pretty close together. I have been through a stage where I had a baby and a toddler, and those were not easy times. I tell my kids that being brave doesn't mean not being scared, rather doing what you have to even when you are scared. Am I brave enough to take that challenge?

Over to the next challenge. I know that the instant I announce a pregnancy, since I have two daughters, the reaction would be "Oh she is trying for a boy. How backward of her!" I don't think I will have the energy to explain my reasoning to everyone. Do I have the gumption to withstand that criticism? Can I really say "I don't care what other people think"?

And finally what of money? Supporting four kids is no joke. Can I really give up on that dream house and exotic vacations? That leads to even deeper self-examination - understanding the true meaning of joy and completely believing that it does not come from material things. I am no yogi. Can I live without?

Monster-in-law?

This came from a frantic friend - "My R is 11 months old and I want to wean him. My in-laws are visiting soon and I am really scared. He refused a bottle when he was about 2 months old, and my mother-in-law told me then that babies who don't drink form a bottle don't drink milk once they stop breastfeeding. Well R won't take a bottle then and I didn't try terribly hard because I wanted to keep breastfeeding. My mother-in-law is going to give me the "I told you so" look because for sure because my son won't drink milk from a cup. Help!"

And you know the advice she was most commonly given. To say "I and my husband are doing the best for our child, and we are happy that he was breastfed for a year. We will find a solution to the milk issue. Thank you very much."

Let me translate this into what the mother-in-law will hear "Mind your own business, and stay out of our lives. F@$# Off"

Why say such alienating things? She isn't some acquaintance you ran into at the mall who objected to your child sucking his thumb. She is your husband's mother, the woman who raised him.

Why the fear of mother-in-law? Why the desire to appear "right" in front of her? What is wrong with saying, "mom, I guess you were right. R doesn't drink milk from a cup. Help me fix it now." and saying this even when you know that the bottle & milk connection is old wives' tale. Why do we let useless egos destroy our relationship with our child's grandparents, who will give our child more unconditional love than we, the parents, ever have time for?

I probably sound very old-fashioned, and yes, you have the right to your independence and making your own decisions, and the modern woman doesn't get bossed over by her mother-in-law. But it doesn't hurt to have a non-combative relationship with someone we will see off and on for the next 20 years, no? Can't we handle one "I told you so" look for that?

The size of a house

We start the search for a new house and hence these thoughts.

Smaller houses are easier to maintain, more energy efficient, easier to furnish and don't eat up all our money in mortgage. Should I really buy a bigger house just so that I can store all the "stuff" I have? Wouldn't it be better to just get rid of half the stuff, and get better organized with the rest of it. Who uses a formal living room anymore? Do I really need a separate guest bedroom when I have family visiting, maybe, twice a year. Couldn't I just install a Murphy Bed in the home office? I do work from home but what is my home office, but a desk with a computer. That could be easily fitted into an armoire in a corner of the family room. We live in a free country, where there is an amazing freedom of expression and choices, and people are not judged by the size of their house, usually. Of course small is a relative term - what I am calling small would be considered huge in Manhattan, but let's not digress.

It all makes practical sense. But what of the show-off value to my fellow countrymen from the old country? Tchk, thck...so shallow, you say. We are human after all, and so are all our friends and family who will judge us, and our success by the size of our houses & the price of our cars. And we will return the favor.

There are a a lot of people and not that much land in India, where I grew up. Growing up, my family of 5 lived in a two bedroom apartments. So did most of the people we knew. The fixtures and furnishings varied with the income level, of course. So having more space, in the old country, instantly shows that you have moved up in life. Consequently, most Indians who live in the US, buy the biggest house that they can afford, or maybe not afford.

Why - we don't do it for us, or even to show off to our friends here. We do it for the people back in India - the ones we love and who would like nothing more than to see that we are happy, and nothing more than to tell their friends how well their son or daughter is doing in America. "She has 5 bathrooms in her house". Wow. The little piece of information missing here is that she also has to clean all the 5 bathrooms herself! This show-off value, however, is not to be take lightly. All parents want their children to be successful in life and to have everyone else know that their children are indeed successful. They live so far away, the square footage of our house is an excellent gauge and something to brag about. So are swimming pools and German cars, but let us keep this discussion to houses for now.

There is no dearth of land here. In suburbia, sub-division after sub-division of huge houses are erected in no time at all. A large house isn't a big deal at all! And yet we try to buy the biggest house we can even to the point of inconveniencing ourselves. Those formal living rooms and dining rooms sit vacant, amassing toys, years after year. In our heart we know that we are running on the treadmill, and yet we can't get off. Such a tragedy.

And now back to the home listings.

To say or keep quiet?

You have been there, haven't you? Your friend's child seems completely out of control, doesn't respect boundaries and is obnoxiously behaved. Of course, the mom is to blame. After all, if she had paid more attention to the child instead of spending all her time buying "cute" things for the child, the child would be better behaved today. Do you say anything to your friend about how obnoxious her child is?

Jump up and pull her down! Yeah baby! Oh, how quick we mothers are to judge others!

Mothering is very hard work, and I doubt there are many mothers out there who don't want the best for their children. The congratulations and the blame for how a child turns out are placed squarely on the mother's shoulder and that is indeed a heavy burden to go through life with. When I had only one child, rather challenging one if I must add, I felt that my friends who had more easy-going children questioned my parenting style. Then we had our second babies and this time some of my friends had the challenging ones. So are we even? Does it really work like this?

As a parent we make tough choices and there is a need in all of us to justify our choices and to know in our minds that our choices are right. Sometimes we do that by looking at other's choices and the impact of those choices. It is also true, and very unfortunate aspect of human
nature that the closer the other person is to us the more we analyze them and consequently find more mistakes in them. My Sister-in-law thinks I am too lax a mom and not setting enough boundaries for my kids. I think my SIL is too strict with her kids and that is why her kids exert control by doing things such as running away in the mall. My SIL believes that it is
downright unacceptable that my 5yo still spends half the night in my bed and I think it is downright unacceptable that SIL expects all of us to have a nice, uninterrupted, sit-down dinner when I have a 8mo old crawling baby. Who is to say what is right?

The results of everything we do sometimes take years to show, and sometimes it is nothing that we do at all but the basic nature of the child. I have two kids. When we are about to cross the street and I ask them to hold my hand, one of them happily does but the other one argues about why she doesn't need to hold my hand and offers ideas of what she could hold, all the way to the other side of the street. They are both mine, and I raise them the same but I am sure a passing mom has already judged me for not keeping my child safe.

I hope you see that I am not really trying to slam anyone, but just musing on the difficulty of the position we mothers are in. Maybe you are indeed right about you friend's child, and intervention is needed, but do it carefully and with respect. Telling a mother that she is wrong and that her child needs therapy can never be easy. If you really have to do it, I wish you the best.

So it begins

Raising children is hard work. Of course there is the physical stress - the diapers, the homeworks, the endless picking up of toys, the aches and pains of a post child-birth body. But there are things even more profound that boggle the mind. After all, I am shaping lives here, and in an environment so different from what I grew up in, on the other side of the planet. It is all very alien- the schools, the society, the neighborhoods, the values. The challenges for an immigrant are unique and the parenting books don't provide all the answers. My mind, ideas and thoughts, straddle a few oceans, literally. I look at people like V.S.Naipaul, a great writer no doubt but so full of disdain for his roots, and hope my children don't think like that. How do I grow human beings whose roots are firmly planted, and yet they can flourish in my adopted country? And so my dilemmas, and those of many more like me, begin.