To say or keep quiet?

You have been there, haven't you? Your friend's child seems completely out of control, doesn't respect boundaries and is obnoxiously behaved. Of course, the mom is to blame. After all, if she had paid more attention to the child instead of spending all her time buying "cute" things for the child, the child would be better behaved today. Do you say anything to your friend about how obnoxious her child is?

Jump up and pull her down! Yeah baby! Oh, how quick we mothers are to judge others!

Mothering is very hard work, and I doubt there are many mothers out there who don't want the best for their children. The congratulations and the blame for how a child turns out are placed squarely on the mother's shoulder and that is indeed a heavy burden to go through life with. When I had only one child, rather challenging one if I must add, I felt that my friends who had more easy-going children questioned my parenting style. Then we had our second babies and this time some of my friends had the challenging ones. So are we even? Does it really work like this?

As a parent we make tough choices and there is a need in all of us to justify our choices and to know in our minds that our choices are right. Sometimes we do that by looking at other's choices and the impact of those choices. It is also true, and very unfortunate aspect of human
nature that the closer the other person is to us the more we analyze them and consequently find more mistakes in them. My Sister-in-law thinks I am too lax a mom and not setting enough boundaries for my kids. I think my SIL is too strict with her kids and that is why her kids exert control by doing things such as running away in the mall. My SIL believes that it is
downright unacceptable that my 5yo still spends half the night in my bed and I think it is downright unacceptable that SIL expects all of us to have a nice, uninterrupted, sit-down dinner when I have a 8mo old crawling baby. Who is to say what is right?

The results of everything we do sometimes take years to show, and sometimes it is nothing that we do at all but the basic nature of the child. I have two kids. When we are about to cross the street and I ask them to hold my hand, one of them happily does but the other one argues about why she doesn't need to hold my hand and offers ideas of what she could hold, all the way to the other side of the street. They are both mine, and I raise them the same but I am sure a passing mom has already judged me for not keeping my child safe.

I hope you see that I am not really trying to slam anyone, but just musing on the difficulty of the position we mothers are in. Maybe you are indeed right about you friend's child, and intervention is needed, but do it carefully and with respect. Telling a mother that she is wrong and that her child needs therapy can never be easy. If you really have to do it, I wish you the best.