Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Tiger Mother

The "Tiger mother" has been the target of everyone's hate in the US. Not having read the memoir or the controversial Wall Street Journal article, I did not want to write a knee-jerk reaction, based purely on what I read in the media. I have finally read the article, and now feel ready to express an opinion.

I am well aware that in here the terms "western" and "Chinese" parents refer to stereotypes. There are many bad parents in the east and many good parents in the western society. This is more of a general discussion of parenting values most common in each culture.

Surprisingly, I found myself agreeing with most of what Ms Chua had to say. She says "What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences." I absolutely agree - you cannot enjoy something unless you are accomplished at it. To get really good at something you have to go through a phase of absolute frustration and boredom where you have to keep doing the same thing over and over again until it clicks, and it is a rare child that will be willing to work through that on their own. Most will quit. However, if the child does work through that frustration, and attain mastery, the experience will forever be a source of self-confidence to help work through other difficulties in life. Many such successful experiences, stacked together will constitute resilience and perseverance - qualities very hard to instill. I also agree that western parents are often too concerned about their child's self-confidence, not realizing that "there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't." Confidence comes from true accomplishment, not false praise.

In all the criticism of Ms Chua, there seems to be an underlying assumption that she does not love her children. Do only lax mothers love their children? I would argue that a mother who is willing to let go of short-term gratification that comes from her children liking her the next day, in favor of their long term success, loves her children even more. Ms Chua talks about cuddling and hugging her children. She is not all tough and no love. How the techniques used by Ms Chua affect a child depends heavily on whether the child feels loved, whether she realizes that her mother truly cares for her and will do anything for her. If Ms Chua had her daughter practice "The little white donkey" for hours, do not forget that Ms. Chua was right there with her for all those hours as well. She didn't just threaten her child, leave her with the piano and go shopping! Not many parents have that kind of staying power and would have resorted to bribing and then eventually given up. You have to care enough about your child's future to spend that kind of time with them, and I am sure that the child can see that caring in their day to day life. As Ms Chua says "For their part, many Chinese secretly believe that they care more about their children and are willing to sacrifice much more for them than Westerners, who seem perfectly content to let their children turn out badly." I know many women from eastern countries who give up a social life, stay on in bad marriages and sacrifice luxuries, just so that their child can become a successful adult with a secure future. Whereas many western mothers use the mantra "happy mothers make happy babies" to justify all kinds of ill-advised behavior.

As far as academics go, the constant effort these days in schools to make learning "fun" and, then providing all kinds of external motivations to get the ever distracted children to learn, annoys me no end. The purpose of education, especially the kind taught up to middle school, is not entertainment, but is to establish a basic foundation on which higher education can be based. If you don’t have arithmetic down in elementary school, and your parents don't care enough to ensure that you do, there is an extremely small chance you will ever be able to study advance math or engineering. Basic education - reading, writing and math is a lot of boring drill work. It is a myth that children will not do anything unless it is "fun". They will surely not, if left to themselves, but working with parents with the right attitude and who set correct expectations, you will be surprised what children are capable of. By setting the misguided expectation that learning should be "fun", we end up making school seem even more boring. Have you ever met a child who did not enjoy rising up to a challenge, meeting it, and basking in the glow of that success! However, helping a child through boring work and sticking with it until they get it, is hard work. In my opinion, efforts to make learning "fun" are really grown-ups way of copping out hoping that maybe children would just learn on their own.

In criticism of Tiger Mother, many have pointed out that despite all their academic accomplishments, eastern children often lack leadership skills. That has less to do with parenting skills and everything to do with assimilation. Social skills are learned from parents by osmosis, and unlike math there is no easy drill to instill those. Immigrant parents are not comfortable in the western society and usually have a hard time relating to and socializing with westerners. As a result their children lack that skill and pay the price in the work environment. They still get much ahead in the workplace because of their accomplishments, than the lack of assimilation skills would allow, and that is credit to their work-ethic and their parents' hard work.

Yes, I agree that this sometimes goes to the extreme, with too much being expected of children, and absolutely no freedom to fail. You can't set high expectations and then leave the children to fend for themselves through them. You have to be there helping, encouraging, guiding and pushing, as necessary. And then be eventually ready to back off.

My children barely watch TV and have no video games. I rarely take them out for "entertainment". We do go for movies, and to fairs and museums but I am not their perpetual activity-planner. They are not paid for chores and no disrespect to elders is tolerated. The only time I buy them non-essential items (toys, trinkets, etc.) is on their birthdays. This does not mean that my house is run like a military camp, or that my kids are not loved or praised, or a parent doesn't sit with them for hours to listen to their worries. They know their parents will be there behind them all the way, but they have to hold up their end too. Does that make me a "Tiger mother". Maybe it does.