Assimilated yet Indian?

A friend recently asked me this
"I wanted to ask you whether/how you deal with raising Indian children in America? I find myself constantly wondering which parts of my Indian culture I should work hard to expose my child to and which ones I can let go. It is hard especially because I find that I do not cleanly subscribe to any one group.... not orthodox, not extraordinarily religious, not vegetarian, not this, not that..... etc... etc....."

She has very succinctly described the dilemma most of us so called "modern Indian" English speaking professionally employed parents face in this country. Those who were never quite religious or traditional in their youth, and assimilated easily into the American society when single. Then our children came along and we suddenly realized that what a loss it would be for our children if they did not understand or respect their heritage. The question comes back to balance - how do we raise children who feel part of the society we live in, and yet are proud and aware of their roots? I wouldn't say I have done a very good job in this direction, but I have definitely learned from the mistakes I have made with my children. As with most parenting issues much wisdom is gained in hindsight.

This issue is too multi-faceted to be dealt with in one post. Here I will focus on what I believe is the most important thing, and one that must be worked upon right from infancy - Language.

Because we are fluent in our native tongue, we forget how intricately our culture and tradition is tied to our language. Our native tongue is the most important connection to our culture that our children can have and by teaching them our native language we maintain that link.

Imagine a typical scene when visiting our extended families - aunts, uncles and cousins, sitting together laughing, joking, teasing, bitching, gossiping. With my family most of it happens in Hindi. A child who doesn't understand Hindi would feel like an alien in this atmosphere. If they understand they will know what is going on, if they speak they can participate and feel like a part of the family. Nobody ever sat us down and gave us a lesson on culture and tradition. What we learned was picked up along the way during family gatherings and celebrations. Family is, after all, the foremost link to tradition and culture. If our children are fluent in our native language, they can communicate with grandparents and other family members. Some of my family who understand English, still find it hard to understand the American-accented-double-speed English that my children speak. If my children could not speak Hindi, their grandparents would soon become alien to them and they will lose a strong link to their heritage.

Not knowing our native tongue also deprives our children of the vocabulary to understand many traditions. How would you express the difference between "tilak, teeka and bindi", for instance, in English? Yet, each of these methods of marking the forehead are part of a unique ritual, and used in different circumstances. The word "saawan" evokes images of beauty, greenery and festivities. And yet tranlated into "rainy season", it means something quite the opposite. There are many such sayings, phrases, ways of describing things that are unique to our native tongues that simply cannot be translated. This subtlety is lost with the loss of the native language.

Language also happens to be one thing that, if not taught early, is easily lost and hard to teach again. The softer sounds are also hard to learn as one gets older. Hence, the first thing we can do, right from birth, is to make sure that our children are exposed to their native language. We all know that teaching multiple languages to a child helps a great deal with brain development. Many parents buy videos and such to expose their kids to a second language from early childhood. We don't have to, we already have the skill.

Can this be done? Absolutely. I know because I tried, succeeded only partially and know where I failed. I have seen American-born children of German parents speak fluent German. I believe the only way to teach your child your native language is to speak that language with the child exclusively. I cannot stress this enough - exclusively. A French speaker doesn't shy away from speaking French with her child in public. Why should you be embarrassed about Hindi or Telugu? English, your children will pick up in no time once they start daycare. If you are concerned let one parent speak English, but one parent must stick exclusively to the native tongue right from birth. Did I say exclusively!? When you teach them names of animals, or things do so in your native tongue. This takes some extra effort because English comes too damn naturally to us and we slip into it without realizing. Children, like all humans, are lazy. The instant they realize that English works with mom, they will stop speaking Hindi. And you can't make them speak in your native language. If you force them there will be no joy in the process. It is you who has to make the effort.

I spoke Hindi exclusively with my first child and she was speaking fluent Hindi at age two. Then I faltered somewhere after my second one was born. It is still not a total loss. My older one doesn't speak Hindi at home but she does speak fluently with grandparents. The younger one, however, doesn't speak Hindi very well but when she sees her sister relating with grandparents, she tries, and she is getting better. She does understand it quite well. I switched back to speaking with the kids in Hindi a couple of years ago. My feeling is that if I had stuck with the program, both my kids would be fluent speakers. Whenever my children visit with extended family, I insist that the family members speak in Hindi with my children. On our extended visits to India the kids get a lot of practice and slip back into Hindi within a few days.

That is my take on this. Language is of foremost importance. I will come to traditions, festivities etc in another post.