Assimilated yet Indian? Part II

Continuing on this issue and hoping to help other Indian parents learn from my mistakes, here is a post on what I feel is another important aspect of helping your children understand and identify with their roots - traditions.

Have you noticed books such as "The New Family Traditions handbooks" in book stores? Books teaching people how to make up traditions. You must have heard many Americans talk about their family traditions for Thanksgiving or Christmas. All this is because traditions or rituals are very important in keeping us connected and grounded. Often people make up traditions because they have long lost connection with their roots. Any parenting book will tell you that children thrive on routine. They like to know what to to expect, what happens next. This is where traditions fit in. Not only do they help kids understand what to expect, say, at mealtime or on a holiday, but they also often add a "ritual" to a daily mundane task such as mealtime. Traditions also help provide a sense of belonging in the family or heritage. My children taught me the importance of traditions by begging me for them. When my daughter declared that she wanted us to say grace at dinnertime I knew I better establish some traditions of our own soon!

Being Indian we don't need to make traditions up - we already have tons of stuff to choose from. So pick a few and stick to them. Regularity is important so do stuff that you like, think is important and enjoy. Over time I have started adding a few traditions to our life, mostly picking from things that I treasured as a child and my kids seem to like it. Here I will talk about a few things I do. I am a North Indian and hence the focus on Diwali and Holi.

As a child I loved to memorize poems and since it is a good mental exercise (God knows I need it!), I set myself the task of memorizing the Hanuman Chalisa. I have always liked the rhythm in Tulsidas's writing and I thought I already knew part of it, so it was a fairly low fruit to pick. After I tuck my kids in bed and turn off the lights, I sing them verses of Hanuman Chalisa. The plan was to add a verse a week, but I don't seem to get past verse 23, pathetic I know, but singing of Hanuman Chalisa at bedtime has become a tradition, even more so when I told my kids about the presumed power of Hanuman Chalisa in chasing away ghosts and monsters! I swear, I can use all the help I can get against those fiends under the bed. It helps that Hanuman is supposed to be the protective deity of my clan, and kids love stories about Hanuman - the original superhero, so I have a platform to build upon.

It is sad that my kids find Christmas much more interesting than any Indian holiday. I got all caught up in the Christmas fever during my early years in the US, so I haven't helped the matter much because we do put up a tree, hang stockings and kids get tons of presents. Of course, there is all the marketing around the time so it is pretty hard not to get caught up. I feel I shouldn't have gone so overboard with it earlier because if I try to scale it down now it will border on cruelty towards my children! My only other option was to add some more interest to Diwali. I refuse to corrupt Diwali with addition of presents but I do make sure that kids get and wear new clothes for Diwali. I take the day off on Diwali and keep kids home from school as well. I buy sparklers etc. during 4th of July and save them for Diwali. We also make Gulab Jamuns and rangoli together. I usually host a party with other Indian friends on a weekend right after Diwali, and do make an effort to decorate the house with candles and lights (that I leave on until after new year). If you have some friends or family close by, then you can formalize this a bit more. You could make a pact to get together on every Diwali, but rotate houses every year. The dinner can be potluck so no one person is stuck with all the work.

I do something for Holi as well. Definitely gulal and new clothes, and sometimes a party. Both I and my husband have lived in Gujarat so we try to make it to at least one night of dandiya during Navratri. I and my girls send rakhis to our male cousins, and I do make sure the girls are involved in the process and it is not just me sending rakhi off on their behalf. I even fast without water on Karvachauth, something many of my feminist friends frown upon. I view this as the holiday that celebrates family. When I was a child my family never had more focus and cooperation, than on Karvachauth where our sole goal was to keep my mother comfortable and sight the moon as early as we could. In my mind this has always been an important holiday.

I am also a big fan of some basic Indian values such a respecting elders. I have always touched feet when greeting my elders. I continue to do that and teach my kids this as well. I never say anything bad about our family elders in front of my children, and do all my bitching in private. I always cover my head on the rare occasion I go to a temple or pray to a deity, and teach my kids to do this as well. If they participate in a puja, I teach them the right way to sit, apply tikka, accept prasad and do not allow them to be insolent and ignore these basic rituals just because they are children.

I am still looking for some daily or weekly ritual to add to the mix, but need to find something that agrees with my spiritual beliefs otherwise I won't be able to keep it up.