How many children?

Growing up in India, my neighbor had four daughters. It was obvious that they were the results of failed attempts to have a boy, and I thought it pretty backward of them. This is not what educated people did. This thinking was firmly planted in the heads of young minds, and correctly so, by a huge Government campaign to control the population. "Hum do. Humare do" went the slogan - "we two, our two." Encouraging people to stop after two children. It was a very sensible campaign, focused on educating people rather than doing this by force, as in China. It was also immensely successful if you measure it by the fact that it changed the minds of almost all educated individuals and having two children became the norm.

Now I live in the US, the land of liberty and plentiful resources where no norms apply, and have two children as a good Indian should. I am also very far away from all my close family. Even those that are not on the other side of the globe, are so busy in this modern life that we cannot meet them on a regular basis and for extended periods, as we did with our cousins when growing up. The result is that my children have no close family. When I imagine the distant future, after I and my husband are gone, my girls look very lonely in this huge world. All they will have at weddings & other celebrations is each other. I have known the joy of having a large extended family. You really have to experience it, and then be completely isolated from it, to realize its value. As I see it to be a good parent I have to provide for my daughters' future. Not only do I have to secure their financial future by investing, but I must also provide the emotional security of a large family. I can't really rely on cousins, aunts and uncles for that because who has the time in this hectic life to bond with cousins? Hence in these modern era, I have to take a huge step backward and embrace the Gandhian principle of self-reliance - create the large family on my own by having more children!

OK, so we have decided that there must be more but how many more? My two children are very close in age, and hence very close to each other. They play together constantly. Even if I were to conceive today there will be a six year gap between the baby and the youngest child. The girls will love the new baby, but I doubt they will ever have the patience to play with her. seeing the girls together now, and how amazing it is to have a playmate your age, it'd be pretty see a lonely kid in the house. This means I must have two more babies, and pretty close together. I have been through a stage where I had a baby and a toddler, and those were not easy times. I tell my kids that being brave doesn't mean not being scared, rather doing what you have to even when you are scared. Am I brave enough to take that challenge?

Over to the next challenge. I know that the instant I announce a pregnancy, since I have two daughters, the reaction would be "Oh she is trying for a boy. How backward of her!" I don't think I will have the energy to explain my reasoning to everyone. Do I have the gumption to withstand that criticism? Can I really say "I don't care what other people think"?

And finally what of money? Supporting four kids is no joke. Can I really give up on that dream house and exotic vacations? That leads to even deeper self-examination - understanding the true meaning of joy and completely believing that it does not come from material things. I am no yogi. Can I live without?