I hate CNN

I don't watch TV and don't subscribe to newspapers preferring to get all my news online. Everyday I visit the websites of BBC news, New York times and CNN to see what is going on in the world. CNN's headlines are always about kids dying or being abused or being thrown of a bridge or something equally ghastly. It is horrible. At this very moment the headline at BBC is about a top al-Qaeda militant being killed and what is CNN leading with - Britney Spears' hospitalization! Oh I hate CNN. Wonder what people who watch CNN On TV think.

Gifts

Gift-giving and receiving is something that has been on my mind lately. For one, Christmas was not in so recent past and and secondly, my kids' birthdays are around the corner. It really irks me these days that people ask everybody, even little kids, what they want for a present. The kids describe what they want, down to the exact model and brand name and then get that exact thing for a present and everybody is happy. No awkward moments when a present is opened and we don't have to teach the kids about being gracious. Quick fix, instant gratification and life-lessons be damned. My kids are no exception. They believe that they have the right to tell everybody what they want and they will get it. It has now started bothering me enough to do something about it if all I am doing is ranting on my blog!

Presents are a privilege and not an entitlement. They are completely the gift-giver's prerogative. It, of course, behooves the gift-giver to put some thought into the matter and maybe try to know the receiver a little better. I think questions such as "what your interests are" are alright but that is where it should stop. By buying them the exact thing they want we adults deprive ourselves of an opportunity to broaden our kids' horizons, to show them something beyond their narrow field of vision. One of the best gifts my daughter ever received was a subscription to the Ladybug magazine. She did not even know the thing existed, and was disappointed when she saw that present because all she seemingly got was a card that said that she will be getting a magazine in the mail. That was three years ago. She still remembers that the subscription was a gift and looks forward to the magazine every month. Now that is what gift-giving is about. Why are we forgetting this and letting our kids hand us a shopping list before every Christmas and birthday. It doesn't smell right.

Asimilated yet Indian, continued....

A friend responded to my past posts about assimilation with this
"However, I think that in some ways it is important... bec one of the things that the kids will struggle with is definitely about how they fit in and knowing that they do somethings similar to their American classmates probably makes it is easier..... Who knows? I am just throwing this in the mix.... :))))

I was looking for a prayer that i could include b4 a meal...... We did one before school but not before a meal.... should look it up..."

This is the part that really becomes a huge dilemma. We want our kids to be assimilated, and not stick out like a sore thumb. But then if we just adopt the things that really were never part of our cultures, such as a prayer before a meal, then we won't be imparting a strong sense of identity either. I am sure, and rightly so, there are different schools of thought on this.

I, personally, feel that we should not adopt other traditions without giving some thought to why we are doing it and the long term impact of that decision. You know that old saying "nakal ke liye bhi akal chahiye". I take a lot of cues from the Jewish community. They have a much richer experience of being a minority, and yet maintaining their identity. For example, I noted that although Jewish holidays are not public holidays, most Jewish people don't come to work or school on those days. I like that idea so starting this year my family will take a holiday on Diwali. Kids will stay home from school and we will do something special together like making gulab jamuns and rangolis. I do buy sparklers and such on 4th of July and save them for Diwali. I also hang my "holiday lights" on Diwali and leave them on until after the New Year. This year instead of trying to squeeze all this in the evening after we are all tired form work and school, we will do it with more joy. Hopefully this will make Diwali more special in my kids' minds.

I so wish there was a big Hindu holiday during the so-called "Holiday season". That would make life so much more easier because I think one reason we embrace Christmas the way we do because there is a vacuum, and of course that jolly guy in the red suit that kids can't stay away from.

House cleaning

"If you want to see me. come on over. If you want to see my house, call ahead."

I read this somewhere on the internet and really liked it. I need to remember this because sometimes I can get the "Martha Stewart Syndrome".

A house with kids and parents, who'd rather do other things than clean, can get messy. I continually fret that I haven't taught my kids to pick up after themselves because I never have the patience to work with them on it. I can do it much faster and there is no yelling involved (except at hubby dear for not pitching in) so peace for all.

Now that the kids are getting older and bit more capable, I have started to ask them to pick up. Hopefully they will learn. Oh, I have occasional what my kids call "crazy days" where I grab a box and throw all their toys in and head out to the garage. Then they pick up in a hurry. I just wish I could do this more calmly rather than like the "crazy lady"!

The second best cleaning tip I have heard is "have someone else do it" and I usually do leave everything for the cleaning lady. I wish there was a similar service for picking up toys off the floor. sigh.

Food for thought

Kids amaze me. I wish I could get into their little brain computer and print out a detailed log of processes!

I made cheeseburgers and steamed broccoli for dinner yesterday and my kids were excited about it. They happily ate their dinner without me ever having to ask them to eat some more. We had pleasant conversation at the table, you know, how one expects dinnertime to be. Even more surprising is the fact that I haven't made cheeseburgers in months, so this is a relatively new food for my kids, who like all children frown at all new food!

For as long as I know I have made Indian food for dinner so logically one would expect that, Indian food is what my kids like and would eat regularly! After all that is what they see on their plates every single day. And yet my kids usually come to dinner with long faces when they see Indian food on the table. They are both under 7, mind you, and not yet at an age where they are hanging out at friends' and seeing what they eat. Then I make cheeseburgers and they are excited about dinner.

Somebody please give me a manual. This is beyond me!!!

Christmas

I want to add a little clarification on why I feel I should scale down our Christmas celebrations. Growing up in India as a part of majority community, having never felt a threat to your way of life, you start feeling a benevolent attitude towards other religions and traditions. You embrace them, even encourage them in all your secular glory which is what I did. Dynamics of being a minority culture are totally different, however. You are surrounded by Christmas, you can't escape it even if you don't celebrate it yourself. Your kids will be writing letters to Santa and wanting a tree, even if you never mention Christmas in your house. But Christmas is not a secular holiday like Halloween - there is a distinct religious aspect to it. When my kids got old enough to start asking about the birth of Christ and why we weren't going to the church to celebrate it I was at a loss. I am not religious, but I am still a Hindu. To this add the fact that your own holidays, that you took for granted are pretty much non-existent in your kids' minds and you have to go through huge effort to celebrate them, and you quickly realize that Diwali will lose out to Christmas in the US anyway, you do not need to aid in the process by celebrating Christmas.

Assimilated yet Indian? Part II

Continuing on this issue and hoping to help other Indian parents learn from my mistakes, here is a post on what I feel is another important aspect of helping your children understand and identify with their roots - traditions.

Have you noticed books such as "The New Family Traditions handbooks" in book stores? Books teaching people how to make up traditions. You must have heard many Americans talk about their family traditions for Thanksgiving or Christmas. All this is because traditions or rituals are very important in keeping us connected and grounded. Often people make up traditions because they have long lost connection with their roots. Any parenting book will tell you that children thrive on routine. They like to know what to to expect, what happens next. This is where traditions fit in. Not only do they help kids understand what to expect, say, at mealtime or on a holiday, but they also often add a "ritual" to a daily mundane task such as mealtime. Traditions also help provide a sense of belonging in the family or heritage. My children taught me the importance of traditions by begging me for them. When my daughter declared that she wanted us to say grace at dinnertime I knew I better establish some traditions of our own soon!

Being Indian we don't need to make traditions up - we already have tons of stuff to choose from. So pick a few and stick to them. Regularity is important so do stuff that you like, think is important and enjoy. Over time I have started adding a few traditions to our life, mostly picking from things that I treasured as a child and my kids seem to like it. Here I will talk about a few things I do. I am a North Indian and hence the focus on Diwali and Holi.

As a child I loved to memorize poems and since it is a good mental exercise (God knows I need it!), I set myself the task of memorizing the Hanuman Chalisa. I have always liked the rhythm in Tulsidas's writing and I thought I already knew part of it, so it was a fairly low fruit to pick. After I tuck my kids in bed and turn off the lights, I sing them verses of Hanuman Chalisa. The plan was to add a verse a week, but I don't seem to get past verse 23, pathetic I know, but singing of Hanuman Chalisa at bedtime has become a tradition, even more so when I told my kids about the presumed power of Hanuman Chalisa in chasing away ghosts and monsters! I swear, I can use all the help I can get against those fiends under the bed. It helps that Hanuman is supposed to be the protective deity of my clan, and kids love stories about Hanuman - the original superhero, so I have a platform to build upon.

It is sad that my kids find Christmas much more interesting than any Indian holiday. I got all caught up in the Christmas fever during my early years in the US, so I haven't helped the matter much because we do put up a tree, hang stockings and kids get tons of presents. Of course, there is all the marketing around the time so it is pretty hard not to get caught up. I feel I shouldn't have gone so overboard with it earlier because if I try to scale it down now it will border on cruelty towards my children! My only other option was to add some more interest to Diwali. I refuse to corrupt Diwali with addition of presents but I do make sure that kids get and wear new clothes for Diwali. I take the day off on Diwali and keep kids home from school as well. I buy sparklers etc. during 4th of July and save them for Diwali. We also make Gulab Jamuns and rangoli together. I usually host a party with other Indian friends on a weekend right after Diwali, and do make an effort to decorate the house with candles and lights (that I leave on until after new year). If you have some friends or family close by, then you can formalize this a bit more. You could make a pact to get together on every Diwali, but rotate houses every year. The dinner can be potluck so no one person is stuck with all the work.

I do something for Holi as well. Definitely gulal and new clothes, and sometimes a party. Both I and my husband have lived in Gujarat so we try to make it to at least one night of dandiya during Navratri. I and my girls send rakhis to our male cousins, and I do make sure the girls are involved in the process and it is not just me sending rakhi off on their behalf. I even fast without water on Karvachauth, something many of my feminist friends frown upon. I view this as the holiday that celebrates family. When I was a child my family never had more focus and cooperation, than on Karvachauth where our sole goal was to keep my mother comfortable and sight the moon as early as we could. In my mind this has always been an important holiday.

I am also a big fan of some basic Indian values such a respecting elders. I have always touched feet when greeting my elders. I continue to do that and teach my kids this as well. I never say anything bad about our family elders in front of my children, and do all my bitching in private. I always cover my head on the rare occasion I go to a temple or pray to a deity, and teach my kids to do this as well. If they participate in a puja, I teach them the right way to sit, apply tikka, accept prasad and do not allow them to be insolent and ignore these basic rituals just because they are children.

I am still looking for some daily or weekly ritual to add to the mix, but need to find something that agrees with my spiritual beliefs otherwise I won't be able to keep it up.