Over-parenting

I recently came across this article by Katie Allison Granju and not only enjoyed reading it but agree with it as well.

She quotes Jackie Kennedy as saying "If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do matters very much." I agree with that as well, but also know that overdoing and obsessing over every little detail of child rearing doesn't equate to good parenting. In this culture, that is overrun by parenting experts, of which Granju is one too, it is very easy to get overwrought by all the advice and worry about every little detail. Not to mention the competition with other parents, where we can feel good about our parenting, only when we get to put down somebody else's style. Yes, this competition has always been there, but now we have the muscle of the marketing and consumer industry behind it.

Granju wrote this article, partly to promote her book on the same topic, which brings me to my pet-peeve. Did you have to write a whole book about it? The article is enough. It is just like this other parenting book I am currently reading "Hold on to your kids" by Gordon Neufeld. The book has a good point, but all it needed was about 20 pages. I am through three quarters of the book, often skipping entire chapters at a time, and he is still defining the problem! Geeze. You had me at hello and are going to lose me soon if you don't come to the point already.

Dr. Neufeld's point is that the most important thing you need as a parent, the thing that gives you natural authority, makes the child want to be good for you, is the child's attachment to you. This attachment cannot be taken for granted, and must be nurtured and developed, esp in the modern society where everybody is so busy and we don't spend as much time with our children. As they grow, you have to make sure that your only interaction with your kids isn't you asking them to do or not do something. You have to take the time to enjoy being with them, just to hang out and show them how much they matter to you. When they are misbehaving, you shouldn't push them away, send them to time-out or try to teach them anything. Show them that you still love them and do what you need to get through the situation quickly. Work on a solution later, when everyone is calm. Some ideas are similar to what "Love and Logic" says - if you don't have the love, you can't enforce the logic. But of course, this man needs to sell his own formula so he denigrates all others and takes a few chapters doing it. Sigh.

His second point is that every child needs to orient themselves to somebody, like a compass needle. If the parent isn't available as the orientation point, then the kids orient themselves to their peers, which automatically results in turning away from the parents, leading to ill-behaved children who don't respect their parents and want to spend all their time with their friends. Since peers aren't mature or provide unconditional love, the children get bereft, do all kinds of wrong things to fit in and take rejection from the peer group very hard. The compass needle can only point in one direction at a time, so if you think your child is pushing you away and her friends matter more to her, you have to reorient the child's compass back towards yourself. He claims he has solutions for this and maybe I will reach that chapter one day.

Review of Operating Instructions

I finished the book, in under ten days! I can't believe it. With life the way it is, it usually takes me weeks, even months for one book. I have started reading her 'Bird by Bird' and am enjoying it as well.

The book flowed like water. We also know that water cut the Grand Canyon. It was so easy to read and still so profound. I can completely relate to the colic, of having love for your child and yet wanting to do something very bad, and feeling horrible for having those feelings. I could also relate to the "Please let Sam outlive me" chain of thought. I have it often, and it always makes me cry.

I really enjoyed her sense of humor. I have been through similar moments with my babies, and I wish I had read the book then so I could enjoy them through her lens. A lot of specifics escape me now, and there is this little orange glow inside my head where the book is stored.

I am amazed how "confessional" (in her own words) she is. She admits to stuff about herself and others that I never would. She talks about having this worm inside that needs to be fed. I have known that worm too. I also felt very jealous of her "tribe", people she could lean so completely on, for help and support. I would like a tribe, but what little I have is scattered all over the globe.

One thing I couldn't relate to was her relationship with God. It doesn't bother me that she has faith, but because I don't, at least not the kind she has, I couldn't relate to the moments when she describes feeling the presence of God.

How many children - more

Now that I have finally made peace with this and a decision, and have moved on to pondering other matters such as the best all-purpose cleaner, the question of number of children has decided to follow me around like a little puppy. Won't leave me alone.

I just talked to my sister who informs me that she has decided to have no more children. The reason being "One is enough, we can give her everything without compromise and can't imagine starting all over."

Alright. Deep breaths. Everyone has a right to their opinion & I should respect it. I have bossed over her all her life, enough now. Her life, her body, her ...aargh! But I also have the right to be shocked and demand a better explanation than that. Damn it! I am the big sister - not just hers but in the entire generation! "Give the only child everything" - we aren't exactly talking of people here who don't know where the next paycheck is coming from. These are people who can afford to own apartments & cars in not one but two countries. Did I mention she is younger than me, by many years, and the first child is all of 4 years old? Oh, and she has a maid and her MIL, whom she gets along with quite nicely, lives with her and is happy to supervise the "staff" so it's not like my sister has to give up her job. I would think they can provide and care for their own, and few of mine and still have left over to give whatever it is they want to give their first child.

In truth, I am venting here because I didn't on the phone. I didn't say any of this to her. Only suggested that she might want to reconsider before it is truly too late to have more children. I begged a little on her first child's behalf. No more.

Anne Lamott and reading

It seems to me that every one of my American friends have mentioned Anne Lamott at least once to me. Her name invariably comes up in conversations about writing or books or parenting. I finally decided that I might as well read something by her, and have checked out the first book I came across in the library. I have only read a few pages, and I am already enjoying her sense of humor. I will keep going.

With kids, job, housework and all the other trappings of life, it often takes me at least a month, if not more, to finish a book. I am still glad that I find a few moments every day to read. I so enjoy it.

Road trip update

We are back from our road trip and it went fine. In the end we were glad that we did not go for the DVD player. The kids read a lot in the car and worked on some activity books. I also heard, "I am bored" a few times but then they would figure something out to keep themselves busy.

We made the onward journey almost non-stop because my younger one napped for two hours. It was easy to keep the older one busy - she read by herself for a bit, then I read to her. She also listened to some story tapes on her Walkman and looked at an "I spy" book. On the return journey there was a time that I was too tired to engage the kids and they were getting crazy back there. We ended up stopping and playing a few games of tag. Things improved after that.

Resolving dilemmas

I recently read an article that has really taken root in my mind over time. I was flipping through a magazine in a waiting room and didn't think much of it at that time. I wish I could remember where I read it or who wrote it, so I could give credit where credit is due.

The author said that when faced with a tricky decision, her approach is to take 10 seconds to think what the impact of her decision will be in the next 10 minutes, 10 months and 10 years, and the decision doesn't seem that complicated anymore. She called it her 10-10-10 rule.

I really like this 10-10-10 rule. It really helps to take my mind off short-term, and focus on long haul, and also makes short-term hardship that I have to endure for a long-term joy seem not so bad.

For example, I was wondering whether to let my girls share a room or let them have separate rooms. There are enough rooms in the house so I could go either way. The girls are still young, one is an excellent sleeper and the other not. When they are together, they can keep each other awake much longer and I have two very tired cranky children in the morning. It makes more sense to keep them in separate rooms for immediate relief. However, in the long-term sharing a room will teach them important skills in adjustment and compromise. I try not to inculcate "princess syndrome" in my girls - you know that they have to have things a certain way or they can't be comfortable. I'd prefer them to be easy going and make the best of circumstances. I also feel that sharing a room will make them closer in the long-term. Applying the 10-10-10 rule, makes the decision easy. For the next 10 months, things might be tough but much better in next 10 years. So they are sharing a room, and bedtime is crazy most days. sigh.

How many children - part 2

I believe that if a woman is going to have one child then she should, if she can, have at least one more. Multiple children in a family liberate both the mother and the children themselves. Of course, there are many reasons a woman can't have more children and then that is that, and so is life.

If you have a child you know the pressure that comes with it; you feel that you are shaping a life and how the child turns out is completely up to you. It is a roller coaster ride of guilt and congratulations - a heavy burden to go through life with. It was not until I had a second child that I realized that how a child behaves depends so much on the innate nature of the child. There is this other child, living under the same circumstances and rules, and behaving differently. I wasn't messing up my first child, after all! That made me less of an egotist - how the child turns out, good or bad, wasn't entirely my doing. I am not that important! I realized it wasn't so much nature vs. nature but rather that I had to nurture the nature. And that liberated me, I could relax a little and not blame myself for everything.

Looking from the child's perspective, they do not have to bear the entire brunt of the parents' expectations if there are other siblings. And once the parents are old, they don't have to shoulder the entire responsibility either. When my dad had a heart attack, I knew that there were two other people in the world who felt exactly as I did at the moment, whom I could call in the middle of the night and talk to. And because one of my siblings lives much closer to my parents, I didn't have to drop everything and run half way across the world. I could relax in the thought that the needful will be done. This was again a liberating experience for me, as a child.

So there, that is my theory!