More tricks of indirection

Bedtime has become another daily struggle in my household. This problem comes back at regular intervals to haunt me with new and creative forms. I repeat again and again that I will turn the lights out at such and such time. If they get in the bed before that they get reading time until the lights are out, and that my kids consider a big reward. Yet, I find myself tagging behind, repeatedly reminding them that their time is almost up, and still they dawdle. They will get involved in time-consuming activities such as rearranging all their stuffed animals, and then keep begging for "one more minute". Needless to say this is very frustrating, esp late in the evening when I am running a short fuse.

Tonight, just because I simply felt incapable of tagging behind without losing my temper completely, I picked up a kitchen timer, set it to fifteen minutes and said "I will come back to turn out the lights when the timer tings". They asked whether they can read if they got into bed earlier than the fifteen minutes and I said "of course". Then I walked away.

The results couldn't have been more different! The girls were in bed quickly, and there was no more imploring for "one more minute" when I turned out the light. They have a digital clock in their room so when I say lights are out at 8:30, it is not that I am leaving them clueless - they have an easy way to check how they are doing with time. Somehow, the tick-tock of the kitchen timer coupled with the countdown effect seems to have been a better persuader.

The bigger question is what kind of technique do I need to invent to keep myself using this new found wisdom, and not regress back to nagging the kids!

Power of indirection

You would think that if past ten years of mothering experience would have taught me anything, it would be that children do not listen to their mother, and that if you want a child to do something the last thing you want to do is to straight-out ask them to do it. It has never worked, at least not with my children. And yet, that is the method I employ most - "Please pick your clothes off the floor", "No, no, no...do not stuff them under your bed", "The laundry hamper is right there!", "YOU KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO DO - JUST THROW ALL THESE CLOTHES IN THE TRASH BECAUSE THAT IS HOW YOU TREAT THEM. WHY IS IT THAT I HAVE TO KEEP ASKING YOU THE SAME THING EVERYDAY!" As you can see that the only thing I achieve is convincing my children that their mother is a banshee.

This problem was magnified once summer break started. Being a a big believer in the power of unscheduled time, and having the luxury to work from home, I have let the girls roam free for most part except imposing restrictions on how much time they spend with electronic media. I, however, have basic expectations that they will brush their teeth and take a shower every day. I would also like them to practie their musical instruments daily. My only "educational" goal for this summer was to teach the girls to take care of themselves so that they don't grow up into adults whose beds are forever rumpled with clothes piled high on them, and whose normal method of storing their belongings is on various piles on the floor. I do believe that there is a 'baseline' to everything in life - what we think is 'normal'. Girls who grow up seeing their mother being abused often assume that certain amount of abuse is normal in a relationship. I hinted at this in my last post as well that girls who see their mothers doing all household chores automatically assume all household chores when they get married. I grew up in a house where all beds were made every morning. To this day, I cannot sleep in an unmade bed. Even on the rare occasion that I do not get around to making my bed in the morning, I make it just before getting into it which seems ridiculous but then most of our actions are controlled by our subconcious mind. Coming back to the point, my hope is that by the end of the summer break the girls will make their beds every morning, keep their room and bathroom neat and do their own laundry which also includes putting clothes away in their dressers.

These "chores" shouldn't take more than an hour during the day, and I and the girls had agreed on these. Yet, trying to get them to do them was driving me insane. I kept requesting and reminding them often, and driving myself insane in the process. I am firmly against giving children any kind of reward for doing their share for the family, so I did not have money as a motivator. Then I remembered a tool I had used years ago when I had initially started imposing restrictions on TV time. When the girls were preschoolers they were allowed an hour of TV time a day (That sounds a lot when I think about it now). That hour was represented by a circle, divided into 12 sections each representing 5 minutes. I drew this on a whiteboard attached to the fridge every morning. After the girls were done watching TV, even for a few minutes, we filled in the sections for the time used up. Whenever the girls wanted to watch TV, I would say "check the chart" and the chart would tell them whether they had used up their daily quota or not. This method worked beautifully because it wasn't I who was telling them not to watch TV, it was the chart. After a couple of weeks of frustration with the chores during the summer break, I remembered this, and started to make a "to-do" list on an index card for each girl. Every morning I handed them a checklist with items such as "brush teeth" and "make bed" on it and it was amazing how well they took to it. They enjoyed doing their jobs and checking off the items on their list. When we struggled with getting everything done a few days in a row, I asked them how we should solve the problem and they came up with a wonderful solution. The suggested that once the tasks were done to my satisfaction, I was to sign off on the list. If the list didn't get signed off one day, the following day the list had to be completely signed off before they would be allowed to watch TV. This seemed fair. It doesn't seem like a big change - instead of verbally telling them what to do, I give them a written list, but the outcome couldn't be more different. Wow!

To say or keep quiet?

You have been there, haven't you? Your friend's child seems completely out of control, doesn't respect boundaries and is obnoxiously behaved. Of course, the mom is to blame. After all, if she had paid more attention to the child instead of spending all her time buying "cute" things for the child, the child would be better behaved today. Do you say anything to your friend about how obnoxious her child is?

Jump up and pull her down! Yeah baby! Oh, how quick we mothers are to judge others!

Mothering is very hard work, and I doubt there are many mothers out there who don't want the best for their children. The congratulations and the blame for how a child turns out are placed squarely on the mother's shoulder and that is indeed a heavy burden to go through life with. When I had only one child, rather challenging one if I must add, I felt that my friends who had more easy-going children questioned my parenting style. Then we had our second babies and this time some of my friends had the challenging ones. So are we even? Does it really work like this?

As a parent we make tough choices and there is a need in all of us to justify our choices and to know in our minds that our choices are right. Sometimes we do that by looking at other's choices and the impact of those choices. It is also true, and very unfortunate aspect of human
nature that the closer the other person is to us the more we analyze them and consequently find more mistakes in them. My Sister-in-law thinks I am too lax a mom and not setting enough boundaries for my kids. I think my SIL is too strict with her kids and that is why her kids exert control by doing things such as running away in the mall. My SIL believes that it is
downright unacceptable that my 5yo still spends half the night in my bed and I think it is downright unacceptable that SIL expects all of us to have a nice, uninterrupted, sit-down dinner when I have a 8mo old crawling baby. Who is to say what is right?

The results of everything we do sometimes take years to show, and sometimes it is nothing that we do at all but the basic nature of the child. I have two kids. When we are about to cross the street and I ask them to hold my hand, one of them happily does but the other one argues about why she doesn't need to hold my hand and offers ideas of what she could hold, all the way to the other side of the street. They are both mine, and I raise them the same but I am sure a passing mom has already judged me for not keeping my child safe.

I hope you see that I am not really trying to slam anyone, but just musing on the difficulty of the position we mothers are in. Maybe you are indeed right about you friend's child, and intervention is needed, but do it carefully and with respect. Telling a mother that she is wrong and that her child needs therapy can never be easy. If you really have to do it, I wish you the best.