We are about to embark on a road trip - 4 hours drive each way. The invariable first thought is how to keep the children entertained on this long drive. A portable DVD player would be nice. Should I go out and buy a few new toys and books, for a secret stash that I can pull out when somebody starts to get bored?
Or should I completely disown the responsibility of entertaining my children? That is a thought. As a child, we used to take these three day long train rides every year with nothing more than a few books and board games. I used be entertained by watching out the window and seeing how the terrain across the country changed from state to state. We would make new friends in the train and learn new card games. At the end of that journey we would spend a month at my grandma's village with no electricity, toys or games. When I think of happiness, those are the times that come to my mind first. The times where endless summer days stretched in front of me without any planned entertainment or anything to do. I didn't learn horseback riding or ballet, but I did discover the simple pleasure of lying under a mango tree listening to a cuckoo.
These are the simple pleasures that I still long for - to have days where I do nothing more than lie under a tree and read a book. I want my children to find watching scenery out of a window entertainment enough, to be able to daydream, to not need 24/7 multi-media entertainment. This is one reason I have stubbornly refused to buy a DVD player for the car or portable video games. And the sole reason I would like to skip going for vacations to Hawaii and Europe, and save the money to buy a small cottage in the hills that we could visit on weekends and live during summer vacations. Dil dhoondtä hai, phir vahi, fürsat kè räät din as Gulzar would say.
But long drives always test my will. Little kids, when bored, can drive you nuts, especially when they start picking on their siblings for entertainment and I start wishing I had gotten that Gameboy after all.
Raising kids in a non-native environment while constantly worrying about striking the right balance.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Saturday, March 3, 2007
NY Times article on co-sleeping
I just read this article in New York Times and was quite shocked at the tone of voice and choice of words. First let me confess that our household is quite similar to those described in the article - in terms of how they sleep, not in terms of all the fancy kids' furniture and sleep-therapists they can afford. However, unlike the families described, or the author herself, I do not think that kids sleeping in our bed is "gross". In fact, I want to laugh loudly at the statement that co-sleeping is inching into the mainstream. Puhleeeze - kids have been sleeping with their parents (except for maybe those of European royalty) all over the world since time immemorial. It is making kids sleep alone that inched into the mainstream in recent past. Has anyone stopped and thought that if parents are having so much trouble getting kids to sleep alone in their rooms, and need to employ sleep-therapists no less, maybe kids sleeping alone is what is 'abnormal'? The adults in the house get to sleep with somebody and little kids have to sleep alone, sometimes on a whole different floor of the house!? If you have to go to all these lengths to create a bear that talks like the mother, and smells like the mother, then isn't the child telling you that he'd rather be next to his "real" mother?
Here is my favorite quote from the article
"It’s commonly believed in the mental health field that it’s important the children learn to sleep on their own. Not doing it often generalizes to other problems, because it’s about a fairly important way that parents say no to their child.”
Bravo! Because I let kids sleep in my bed when they feel like it, I have been instantly labeled a bad and indulgent parent who is unable to set boundaries. Oh and also I must have intimacy issues in my marriage. My kids are not allowed to bully, call people names or kick the seat in front of them in an airplane, but I don't think a child seeking comfort with a parent is doing anything wrong at all. By letting my children know that I am there for them, I am harming their mental health forever! Wow! You gotta love these modern experts. They have so wonderfully positioned themselves over a mother's instincts and are all the more richer for it. This modern world is crazy - we need nutritional experts to tell us what to eat and parental experts to tell us how to raise our children, something that is so natural to our very being that even a bird can do it! The most intelligent life-form on the planet, however, needs an army of experts.
What I really want to say, once I have taken a few deep breaths, is that this should not even be an issue. People are different - parents and kids alike. Although experts who have copyrighted parenting methods would very much like us to think so, there really is no one right way to parent. We do what works for us and agrees with our values, and others do the same. Live and let live, and let us do our parenting in peace without assigning a subliminal pathological explanation to everything.
Here is my favorite quote from the article
"It’s commonly believed in the mental health field that it’s important the children learn to sleep on their own. Not doing it often generalizes to other problems, because it’s about a fairly important way that parents say no to their child.”
Bravo! Because I let kids sleep in my bed when they feel like it, I have been instantly labeled a bad and indulgent parent who is unable to set boundaries. Oh and also I must have intimacy issues in my marriage. My kids are not allowed to bully, call people names or kick the seat in front of them in an airplane, but I don't think a child seeking comfort with a parent is doing anything wrong at all. By letting my children know that I am there for them, I am harming their mental health forever! Wow! You gotta love these modern experts. They have so wonderfully positioned themselves over a mother's instincts and are all the more richer for it. This modern world is crazy - we need nutritional experts to tell us what to eat and parental experts to tell us how to raise our children, something that is so natural to our very being that even a bird can do it! The most intelligent life-form on the planet, however, needs an army of experts.
What I really want to say, once I have taken a few deep breaths, is that this should not even be an issue. People are different - parents and kids alike. Although experts who have copyrighted parenting methods would very much like us to think so, there really is no one right way to parent. We do what works for us and agrees with our values, and others do the same. Live and let live, and let us do our parenting in peace without assigning a subliminal pathological explanation to everything.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Choosing a school
I have one child entering kindergarten this fall, and I was talking with another mom about the options. Her child is in the same preschool as mine, and will be starting Kindergarten in fall as well so I was really eager to hear her point of view. She told me that she has decided on elementary school 'A'.
Somebody who has already made a decision - Oh, I want to know more on what factors she considered as it will help my wavering mind. Our neighborhood has a school too - school 'B' and I hear it is quite good as well. So I felt compelled to respond "Why did you choose 'B' over 'A'? I hear 'A' is good too, and we can just walk the kids there instead of driving."
"Yes I looked at 'B'. But 'A' is a newer school. It was built just two years ago." She replied.
I patiently waited for her to finish her reasoning, hoping to hear more - something about teachers, principal, PTO. But that was her whole criterion - the newness of the school!
A few days later I was talking to my Realtor about another area that we are considering living in. He tells me there are two good schools in that area, but I should focus on the east of such-and-such road, because then my kids can go to the newer school.
Huh? That is how we are deciding which school is better nowadays? And I though that the quality of a school depended upon the leadership of the principal, the quality of the teachers and the involvement of the parents! Of course, you wouldn't want to be in a school where the roof leaks, or the play-structures are falling apart but this whole area is so new that even the "older" schools are no more than 10-15 years old and the facilities are in excellent condition. I mean, Harvard is pretty ancient by these standards, but I hear it is a pretty good school. No?
Somebody who has already made a decision - Oh, I want to know more on what factors she considered as it will help my wavering mind. Our neighborhood has a school too - school 'B' and I hear it is quite good as well. So I felt compelled to respond "Why did you choose 'B' over 'A'? I hear 'A' is good too, and we can just walk the kids there instead of driving."
"Yes I looked at 'B'. But 'A' is a newer school. It was built just two years ago." She replied.
I patiently waited for her to finish her reasoning, hoping to hear more - something about teachers, principal, PTO. But that was her whole criterion - the newness of the school!
A few days later I was talking to my Realtor about another area that we are considering living in. He tells me there are two good schools in that area, but I should focus on the east of such-and-such road, because then my kids can go to the newer school.
Huh? That is how we are deciding which school is better nowadays? And I though that the quality of a school depended upon the leadership of the principal, the quality of the teachers and the involvement of the parents! Of course, you wouldn't want to be in a school where the roof leaks, or the play-structures are falling apart but this whole area is so new that even the "older" schools are no more than 10-15 years old and the facilities are in excellent condition. I mean, Harvard is pretty ancient by these standards, but I hear it is a pretty good school. No?
Monday, February 26, 2007
Westernization or modernization
A friend commented on the last post "I especially felt for you being Indian and India becoming too Westernized. There's a lot of crap we import to the rest of the world and they love it. On the other hand, who understands entrepreneurship and business creation better than the US? It's the one thing that's really in our DNA to offer the rest of the world" I would call it "modernization" rather than westernization. It was long overdue in India. I am definitely not hankering for the days of the closed economy. It is really wonderful to see the opening up of the marketplace, the wealth of opportunity it brings and the resulting affluence.
The west went through modernization first, they made a lot of mistakes and the results are evident for everyone to see. I feel it is completely unnecessary for newly modernized countries to make the same mistakes. We can just look over and see what decisions turned out for the worst, or what could have been done better. For that one needs leadership that is sorely lacking in the government. The legal system and government in India needs modernization too, to keep up with the times. There is hardly any consumer protection. Do children must go through abuses in childcare centers and be burned down in building made poorly, must people be poisoned by pesticides and other pollutants in drinking water before laws to protect consumers are enacted?
The west went through modernization first, they made a lot of mistakes and the results are evident for everyone to see. I feel it is completely unnecessary for newly modernized countries to make the same mistakes. We can just look over and see what decisions turned out for the worst, or what could have been done better. For that one needs leadership that is sorely lacking in the government. The legal system and government in India needs modernization too, to keep up with the times. There is hardly any consumer protection. Do children must go through abuses in childcare centers and be burned down in building made poorly, must people be poisoned by pesticides and other pollutants in drinking water before laws to protect consumers are enacted?
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Parenting - here and there
I was bemoaning to a friend that I have seriously considered moving back to India because my children are losing touch with their roots, and how I wish had the support of my family and this was his response
Lot of things have come a full circle in the west - we now are very aware of how corporations such a McDonald's have not only changed people's diets for the worse but changed the very ecosystem of the land. It is sad to see a whole generation of children in India getting hooked on McDonald's. The west already fell for that, and the damage caused is in plain view. Why can't India just learn from this and avoid taking the paths that have already proven to lead to no good. After years of deprivation, and isolation, who has the time to pause and think?
"Definitely raising kids in the US is very challenging and hard work. At the same time, when my wife and I moved back to India for a couple of years, what we saw in a city like Bangalore made us re-think our decision. Things have changed so much in a city like Bangalore; everyone works like crazy. Most of the IT people don't seem to worry about spending time with kids. Everybody wants to make an IT career which was surprising and shocking! And lots of people don't even want to have kids because that would disrupt their careers!! I really felt that the value system was much better and intact in the US. Everything finally is a how you personally experience it but in general, Indian cities have moved ahead so fast and in some cases changed for the worse. What I was trying to get was the fact that when we were kids, the environment was different in India as compared to recent years and sometimes I feel bringing up kids in the US is much better. We are able to teach them good values and may be a little more of the Indian culture than they would learn when they are in India! "
There is a lot of depth here, and a few different issues that have been on my mind, as well. I will address the issue of parental commitment here, and leave the question of values for another post.
There is a lot of depth here, and a few different issues that have been on my mind, as well. I will address the issue of parental commitment here, and leave the question of values for another post.
I left India before the boom, and never went back to live there. I have a distorted image of the place - the good old days, you know. Yet when I think about it, I too, am glad that I have raised my children in the US, especially during their early years.
Some, esp people in India, might find it surprising that in the US, the concept of family is very strong. Parents, at least the professionally educated ones that I usually come in contact with, take their job as a parent very seriously and strive to achieve a balance between life and work. They give serious thought to what their parenting approach will be, educate themselves about various ideas and discipline techniques and follow through. Yes, the focus is on raising independent kids and once children reach college-age they are expected to be independent, but in the sense of a bird finding its wing and leaving its nest, not in the sense of being cast-off as is the impression outside the US. In essence, most parents apply the skills needed for success in a corporate career, to the task of parenting. They are pro-active, keep long-term success in mind, educate themselves and take action.
On the other hand, most parenting I witnessed in India, and I am again talking about professionally educated parents, is passive parenting - they have excellent management skills in their career but often do not apply them at home. They often react to their children's behavior instead of shaping it. Moreover, In India, the pressure to keep up with the Joneses, is much more intense. The competition in the workplace is fierce. To keep up one has to work horrendous hours. The lack of good quality child care, and recurring problem with basic necessities such as water and electricity, make life more complicated. Working mothers have no choice but to leave their children in the care of uneducated servants. Children watch too much TV and are prime targets for advertisers, and end up seeing things like Indian pop music videos bordering on pornography, that are used as fillers between "family" soap operas popular with grandmas who are often in-charge of kids during the day.
In the US, I got to see a different approach to parenting. I am gainfully employed yet with very few stresses on my time, giving me the opportunity to focus on my children. And because we can easily afford the basic luxuries of life in one income such as cars and a house. I do not have the pressure to make more money so my life can compare to others. You have to experience it to appreciate the kind of freedom this gives you. Life of a mother, who has another job is not easy, no matter where she lives, but I do think it is easier in the US given the efficiencies in life here and the availability of high quality child care.
Some, esp people in India, might find it surprising that in the US, the concept of family is very strong. Parents, at least the professionally educated ones that I usually come in contact with, take their job as a parent very seriously and strive to achieve a balance between life and work. They give serious thought to what their parenting approach will be, educate themselves about various ideas and discipline techniques and follow through. Yes, the focus is on raising independent kids and once children reach college-age they are expected to be independent, but in the sense of a bird finding its wing and leaving its nest, not in the sense of being cast-off as is the impression outside the US. In essence, most parents apply the skills needed for success in a corporate career, to the task of parenting. They are pro-active, keep long-term success in mind, educate themselves and take action.
On the other hand, most parenting I witnessed in India, and I am again talking about professionally educated parents, is passive parenting - they have excellent management skills in their career but often do not apply them at home. They often react to their children's behavior instead of shaping it. Moreover, In India, the pressure to keep up with the Joneses, is much more intense. The competition in the workplace is fierce. To keep up one has to work horrendous hours. The lack of good quality child care, and recurring problem with basic necessities such as water and electricity, make life more complicated. Working mothers have no choice but to leave their children in the care of uneducated servants. Children watch too much TV and are prime targets for advertisers, and end up seeing things like Indian pop music videos bordering on pornography, that are used as fillers between "family" soap operas popular with grandmas who are often in-charge of kids during the day.
In the US, I got to see a different approach to parenting. I am gainfully employed yet with very few stresses on my time, giving me the opportunity to focus on my children. And because we can easily afford the basic luxuries of life in one income such as cars and a house. I do not have the pressure to make more money so my life can compare to others. You have to experience it to appreciate the kind of freedom this gives you. Life of a mother, who has another job is not easy, no matter where she lives, but I do think it is easier in the US given the efficiencies in life here and the availability of high quality child care.
Lot of things have come a full circle in the west - we now are very aware of how corporations such a McDonald's have not only changed people's diets for the worse but changed the very ecosystem of the land. It is sad to see a whole generation of children in India getting hooked on McDonald's. The west already fell for that, and the damage caused is in plain view. Why can't India just learn from this and avoid taking the paths that have already proven to lead to no good. After years of deprivation, and isolation, who has the time to pause and think?
Saturday, February 10, 2007
How many children?
Growing up in India, my neighbor had four daughters. It was obvious that they were the results of failed attempts to have a boy, and I thought it pretty backward of them. This is not what educated people did. This thinking was firmly planted in the heads of young minds, and correctly so, by a huge Government campaign to control the population. "Hum do. Humare do" went the slogan - "we two, our two." Encouraging people to stop after two children. It was a very sensible campaign, focused on educating people rather than doing this by force, as in China. It was also immensely successful if you measure it by the fact that it changed the minds of almost all educated individuals and having two children became the norm.
Now I live in the US, the land of liberty and plentiful resources where no norms apply, and have two children as a good Indian should. I am also very far away from all my close family. Even those that are not on the other side of the globe, are so busy in this modern life that we cannot meet them on a regular basis and for extended periods, as we did with our cousins when growing up. The result is that my children have no close family. When I imagine the distant future, after I and my husband are gone, my girls look very lonely in this huge world. All they will have at weddings & other celebrations is each other. I have known the joy of having a large extended family. You really have to experience it, and then be completely isolated from it, to realize its value. As I see it to be a good parent I have to provide for my daughters' future. Not only do I have to secure their financial future by investing, but I must also provide the emotional security of a large family. I can't really rely on cousins, aunts and uncles for that because who has the time in this hectic life to bond with cousins? Hence in these modern era, I have to take a huge step backward and embrace the Gandhian principle of self-reliance - create the large family on my own by having more children!
OK, so we have decided that there must be more but how many more? My two children are very close in age, and hence very close to each other. They play together constantly. Even if I were to conceive today there will be a six year gap between the baby and the youngest child. The girls will love the new baby, but I doubt they will ever have the patience to play with her. seeing the girls together now, and how amazing it is to have a playmate your age, it'd be pretty see a lonely kid in the house. This means I must have two more babies, and pretty close together. I have been through a stage where I had a baby and a toddler, and those were not easy times. I tell my kids that being brave doesn't mean not being scared, rather doing what you have to even when you are scared. Am I brave enough to take that challenge?
Over to the next challenge. I know that the instant I announce a pregnancy, since I have two daughters, the reaction would be "Oh she is trying for a boy. How backward of her!" I don't think I will have the energy to explain my reasoning to everyone. Do I have the gumption to withstand that criticism? Can I really say "I don't care what other people think"?
And finally what of money? Supporting four kids is no joke. Can I really give up on that dream house and exotic vacations? That leads to even deeper self-examination - understanding the true meaning of joy and completely believing that it does not come from material things. I am no yogi. Can I live without?
Now I live in the US, the land of liberty and plentiful resources where no norms apply, and have two children as a good Indian should. I am also very far away from all my close family. Even those that are not on the other side of the globe, are so busy in this modern life that we cannot meet them on a regular basis and for extended periods, as we did with our cousins when growing up. The result is that my children have no close family. When I imagine the distant future, after I and my husband are gone, my girls look very lonely in this huge world. All they will have at weddings & other celebrations is each other. I have known the joy of having a large extended family. You really have to experience it, and then be completely isolated from it, to realize its value. As I see it to be a good parent I have to provide for my daughters' future. Not only do I have to secure their financial future by investing, but I must also provide the emotional security of a large family. I can't really rely on cousins, aunts and uncles for that because who has the time in this hectic life to bond with cousins? Hence in these modern era, I have to take a huge step backward and embrace the Gandhian principle of self-reliance - create the large family on my own by having more children!
OK, so we have decided that there must be more but how many more? My two children are very close in age, and hence very close to each other. They play together constantly. Even if I were to conceive today there will be a six year gap between the baby and the youngest child. The girls will love the new baby, but I doubt they will ever have the patience to play with her. seeing the girls together now, and how amazing it is to have a playmate your age, it'd be pretty see a lonely kid in the house. This means I must have two more babies, and pretty close together. I have been through a stage where I had a baby and a toddler, and those were not easy times. I tell my kids that being brave doesn't mean not being scared, rather doing what you have to even when you are scared. Am I brave enough to take that challenge?
Over to the next challenge. I know that the instant I announce a pregnancy, since I have two daughters, the reaction would be "Oh she is trying for a boy. How backward of her!" I don't think I will have the energy to explain my reasoning to everyone. Do I have the gumption to withstand that criticism? Can I really say "I don't care what other people think"?
And finally what of money? Supporting four kids is no joke. Can I really give up on that dream house and exotic vacations? That leads to even deeper self-examination - understanding the true meaning of joy and completely believing that it does not come from material things. I am no yogi. Can I live without?
Friday, February 2, 2007
Monster-in-law?
This came from a frantic friend - "My R is 11 months old and I want to wean him. My in-laws are visiting soon and I am really scared. He refused a bottle when he was about 2 months old, and my mother-in-law told me then that babies who don't drink form a bottle don't drink milk once they stop breastfeeding. Well R won't take a bottle then and I didn't try terribly hard because I wanted to keep breastfeeding. My mother-in-law is going to give me the "I told you so" look because for sure because my son won't drink milk from a cup. Help!"
And you know the advice she was most commonly given. To say "I and my husband are doing the best for our child, and we are happy that he was breastfed for a year. We will find a solution to the milk issue. Thank you very much."
Let me translate this into what the mother-in-law will hear "Mind your own business, and stay out of our lives. F@$# Off"
Why say such alienating things? She isn't some acquaintance you ran into at the mall who objected to your child sucking his thumb. She is your husband's mother, the woman who raised him.
Why the fear of mother-in-law? Why the desire to appear "right" in front of her? What is wrong with saying, "mom, I guess you were right. R doesn't drink milk from a cup. Help me fix it now." and saying this even when you know that the bottle & milk connection is old wives' tale. Why do we let useless egos destroy our relationship with our child's grandparents, who will give our child more unconditional love than we, the parents, ever have time for?
I probably sound very old-fashioned, and yes, you have the right to your independence and making your own decisions, and the modern woman doesn't get bossed over by her mother-in-law. But it doesn't hurt to have a non-combative relationship with someone we will see off and on for the next 20 years, no? Can't we handle one "I told you so" look for that?
And you know the advice she was most commonly given. To say "I and my husband are doing the best for our child, and we are happy that he was breastfed for a year. We will find a solution to the milk issue. Thank you very much."
Let me translate this into what the mother-in-law will hear "Mind your own business, and stay out of our lives. F@$# Off"
Why say such alienating things? She isn't some acquaintance you ran into at the mall who objected to your child sucking his thumb. She is your husband's mother, the woman who raised him.
Why the fear of mother-in-law? Why the desire to appear "right" in front of her? What is wrong with saying, "mom, I guess you were right. R doesn't drink milk from a cup. Help me fix it now." and saying this even when you know that the bottle & milk connection is old wives' tale. Why do we let useless egos destroy our relationship with our child's grandparents, who will give our child more unconditional love than we, the parents, ever have time for?
I probably sound very old-fashioned, and yes, you have the right to your independence and making your own decisions, and the modern woman doesn't get bossed over by her mother-in-law. But it doesn't hurt to have a non-combative relationship with someone we will see off and on for the next 20 years, no? Can't we handle one "I told you so" look for that?
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